RATING:

Starring: Matt Damon, Franka Potente, Brian Cox, Joan Allen, Julia Stiles, Karl Urban, Tomas Arana, Tom Gallop. Written by Tony Gilroy. Directed by Paul Greengrass.

Rated PG-13 for violence and intense action, and brief language.

****Disclaimer**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Should you feel after reading this that you have not been properly entertained, and then you may receive a full refund consisting of middle fingers and swift kicks to the ass

Summer season is almost over and most of the major blockbusters have come and gone. Since the studios mull over which movies to release during the peak season, I was able to find out through my extended list of Hollywood contacts which films and their stars didn’t make the summer cut:

1. 10. ‘Global Thermonuclear War’ starring The Olsen Twins
   9. ‘Unheard Of Sexual Tension’ starring Rosie O’ Donnell
   8. ‘Rainbows and Fruit Roll-Ups’ starring Orlando Bloom
   7. ‘Hit Me With Your Best Car’ starring Halle Berry
   6. ‘Drunk With Power. Actually, Just Drunk.’ starring Colin Ferrell
   5. ‘Another Teenage Girl Loses Her Virginity To Andy Dick’ starring Andy Dick
   4. ‘Big Explosion. No Plot. Purple Boxers.’ starring Bruce Willis
   3. ‘The Fart Heard Round The World’ starring Jennifer Lopez
   2. ‘Blown Out Of Proportion. Then Blown Again.’ starring Britney Spears
   1. ‘HA! HA! I’m black! Now You Bitches Laugh!’ starring Martin Lawrence

Our ‘Pull the pin’ movie this week is The Bourne Supremacy starring Matt Damon returning as Jason Bourne, a former assassin for the CIA who is on the run from CIA big wigs Brian Cox and Joan Allen. I’m going to naturally assume that you’ve seen the Bourne Identity, and no further setup will be needed for this character. If you have not seen it, then continue reading since whatever I write won’t make a lick of sense anyway. Returning with Matt is his sexy love interest Franka Potente as Marie, and Julia Stiles as CIA operative Nicky. Franka looks stunning as always. Julia? Looks like someone whipped her with a Cat O’ Nine Tails then pancaked her face with an iron. Still cute though, don’t get me wrong. Ya…

The basic plot is this... A couple of years after the first Bourne movie, Jason is still hiding out yet gets blamed for killing some really important guy. The only problem is, he didn’t kill him. Someone with bad stubble posing as Jason Bourne did the dirty deed. But there’s no way the CIA is going to come up with that reasoning all by themselves! They first need to hunt Bourne down, find out from Bourne himself that he had nothing to do with it, but still come after Bourne anyways. Anything else and it would make the CIA look a well-run organization, which we cannot have. Re-read this paragraph 500 times and a leprechaun will magically come out of your butt and punch you in the nose. It would be less painful than trying to figure out what the hell it is I’m attempting to say.

Bourne takes place in an array of exotic locales that nobody reading this review will ever visit or even dream about. Germany, India and Russia are the featured locations and are now so high on everyone’s travel plans, Japan and Hawaii can take a rest from all of the Americans flocking to their country and planting seeds into their women and sticking bubble gum on everything used for a seat. Get to cleaning Japan! Because by the time you’re done, we’ll be back with a fresh set of Trojans and Wintergreen.

The film screams along at a breakneck pace with plenty of car chases, foot chases, shoot outs, hand to hand fights, lots and lots of frowning, Brian Cox stealing every scene he’s in and Matt Damon showing the world why he’s got the chops to be a great action hero. The only problem with this is, we can’t see a damn thing that’s going on. Identity was directed by Doug Liman, someone who knows his way around a camera and tries to get the best shot possible. Blockbuster newcomer Paul Greengrass, whose technique resembles an epileptic shooting his summer vacation while standing on the San Andreas Fault, directed supremacy. I swear to God, I had no clue what happened about 50 percent of the time. Greengrass must have an allergic reaction to STANDING STILL WITH A GODDAMN CAMERA!!! Now, I normally don’t like to swear in my reviews, but this whole ‘handcam-documentary-MTV-I’m being original!’ asinine headache style of filmmaking is bullshit. It really is. Just lazy bullshit. And to me it says that the director doesn’t have enough experience to be able to put together a well-shot, well-edited piece of work. Watching the Bourne Supremacy was like watching a team of escaped zoo monkeys get their hands on studio equipment and proceed to make their own movie.

For example, there is a major hand-to-hand fight scene in Supremacy that could have rivaled the fight scene in the apartment from The Bourne Identity. However, with the inexperience of Director Bunghole at the helm, you can’t really tell how the fight is unfolding since the camerawork and the editing is so poorly done. The action whizzes around the two actors at such a fast pace that after 30 seconds I thought I was watching two black overcoats trying to mate. Hell, even the crap flying around in the movie Twister was at least in frame. After the hundreds and hundreds of fight scenes ever put to film, it’s nice to know that one man can single handedly set the art of shooting one back 35 years. I’m not even going to get into the final car chase scene at the end of the movie. After it was over, a girl at the screening I was attending actually threw up from motion sickness. I couldn’t blame her though. After the movie was over, I also threw up in my car in the parking lot. Was it my car? Oh wait, I don’t drive a convertible. Oops.

It’s a shame that this is what ultimately kills a really good movie. The script, dialogue and acting were all top notch. I’ve become a huge Matt Damon fan and the man seems to get more talented after every picture. (You can insert your own Ben Affleck joke here because I’m not going to bother with it.) Framka Potente is another great actor and it’s a shame that she gets kil…Whoops! I almost slipped up! HAHA! You thought I was going to put in a spoiler in my review, didn’t you? Silly rabbits! And of course, Brian Cox and Joan Allen once again bring life to lifeless characters and should be nominated for Oscars just for stepping on the sidewalk. In fact, I think they should be in every movie from this point forward. You know what? Screw Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. I want to see Brian Cox as Peter Parker and Joan as Mary Jane Watson. Can you imagine Brian Cox swinging around New York City in a Spider-Man outfit fighting Burt Reynolds as The Vulture? God that would be awesome. What, why are you laughing?

So it’s up to you. It is a good movie, but if you can handle having your eyes appear to play tricks on you as your brain attempts to catch up to the camerawork, you’ll enjoy Supremacy as a fine continuation in the series. Personally, I think the direction and editing is what killed this film. And I believe it will also be the reason why Greengrass won’t be returning to direct the 3rd in the series. That’s it, I’m going to call this so called director and ask him what the Hell he was thinking when he shot this.

“Hello?”

“Yes Paul? Paul Greengrass? This is George. I’d like to ask you…”

“Wait. Hold on a second. My baby is going to be taking her first steps. I’m standing on my dryer while it’s running, and I’m hooking up my digital video camera with 17 different lens filters to a pendulum and swinging it across the room as I swat it every third swing to get it to change directions. I don’t want to miss a single frame of this important event! Now, you had a question?”

*Click*

Jackass.

Comment on this in our User Forums