Evel Knievel Would Cry
SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE

RATING: D

Starring: Steve Howey, Mike Vogel, Cameron Richardson, Sophia Bush Aaron Carter, Channing Tatum with Robert Patrick and Robert Carradine. Music by Jasper Randall, Costume Designer Elaine Montalvo, Production Designer Max Biscoe, Director of Photography William Wages, Produced by J. Todd Harris, Steve Austin, Story by Bart Baker and Keith Allan Bernstein, Screenplay by Ken Solarz and Bart Barker, Directed by Steve Boyum.

Rated PG-13, Running Time 103 mins., 1.85 to 1 Anamorphic Scope Aspect Ratio.

Have you ever walked out of a movie wondering, "Gee that could have played on TV?" I'm sure several times this summer many of us have done just that. Well this week's "Red Eye" isn't the only film I've walked out of feeling that way. "Red Eye" at least has some entertainment value, though I can't say the same for the new "Supercross: The Movie". I can't help but wonder what struggling, up and coming filmmaker had his pitch for a film shot down, so that an insulting and lazy picture such as this one could get greenlit. With the amount of money spent on production costs and advertising, I'm sure that several independent films could have been made.

The powers that be and the director want you to believe that like outrageous commercial crap such as "The Fast and the Furious", "Supercross" is a film filled with young hot bodies, sex, danger and speed. If you want that, you hire someone like Rob Cohen, who makes soulless films of this type, but still delivers in several departments. What you don't do is hire former stuntman and coordinator Steve Boyum whose claim to fame is directing forgetful fare like "Meet The Deedles" and straight-to-video sequels like "Timecop 2" or "Slap Shot 2". Making matters worse is the hiring of several low grade TV actors like Superman screen-test flunkies Mike Vogel and Steve Howey. Sophia Bush who has proven her worth on TV's "One Tree Hill" co-stars as Howey's love interest, but she doesn't fare as well as her husband Chad Michael Murray who starred in last spring’s dismal "House of Wax." Come to think of it, with such a peripheral role, Bush fares worse than "House of Wax" star Paris Hilton who ended up with a metal pole rammed through her head in that film.

The story is simple, Howey and Vogel star as the Carlyle Brothers, two siblings who have Supercross in their blood. Howey's the calm and responsible one and Vogel's the immature wild man and more gifted of the two. Their efforts to professionally break into the sport will divide them, knocking one out of commission due to injury and leading the other to greater glory. If you're familiar with this type of formula, then you have an idea which one will get hurt and learn a valuable lesson and which one will succeed through the power of brotherly love. Helping these two fools find the champions within themselves are everyone’s favorite nerd Robert Carradine – who hires Howey only to serve as wingman to his aspiring son Channing Tatum and Robert "T2" Patrick, a now overweight Terminator, who financially backs Vogel's operation despite the fact that he disapproves of his budding romance with daughter Cameron Richardson from TV's "Point Pleasant."

Just because an individual got their start in television doesn't mean they're not a decent actor. It's a wonderful training ground, but the problem with the leads of Supercross is that they show no talent. The girls have more chutzpah than the boys, but they are given little to do but look pretty and root from the sidelines. Even is this film had a story, it would fall apart because Howey and Vogel just aren't interesting to watch. Supercross is a brutal sport, the competitors have to condition their bodies to the same level of performance as players of football, boxing or basketball. They have to be like gladiators, and although Vogel and Howey appear to be in decent shape, they look more like surfers -- stoned surfers at best. Howey can't carry dialogue if his life depended on it and with those looks it’s no wonder they didn't choose him as the new Superman. Oh wait, excuse me, he turned it down. Yeah, sure! Guess what, so did I. Bryan Singer wanted a Black/Hispanic man of steel and I had to convince him personally that he should honor the character as well as Chris Reeve's memory. Face it buddy, your personality is non-existent and there's no way you could wear Superman's spit-curl hairstyle with your Frankenstein flat-top head. Break out the Doc Martens 'cause they may need you in "Van Helsing 2". With that widow's peak he looks more like the son of Eddie Munster than the son of Jor-El.

Vogel is a little easier on the eyes to look at, but his presence is just as vapid. You can see he wants to show some degree of range as an actor, but he’s no James Dean. The impulsive/wasted talent approach towards the character is not gonna make moviegoers say "Oooh that guy is cool!" Clueless is more like it and it's no more evident than in a scene where Richardson tries to give Vogel a hint by asking him to help remove her dirty jeans. They girl is trying to seduce you dude, can't you get that through your drugstore blonde dye-job? For failing that test he ought to be crucified like he was in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Donal Logue star of "Grounded For Life", the show on which Vogel frequently appeared would personally drive the first nail in. So you were up for Angel in "X-Men 3", huh? If you want to get to heaven and play a harp pal, I'm sure there will be disgruntled moviegoers who would want to personally send you there. If I were you, I'd jump ship from that bad idea of a remake for "The Poseidon Adventure" before you sink your career or get caught in the undertow of a sequel to director Boyum's second film "Johnny Tsunami". Maybe if that does happen singer Aaron Carter, who plays Richardson's brother, can find you work as a roadie.

Maybe I'm being too hard on these guys. (Ya think?) Maybe the blame should fall to the writers and director. Yet when an actor is hired to portray a character in a story their job is to work with the material and elevate it to the best of their ability, making the characters as human as possible. These guys stare off into space as if they were reading the score board on "Family Feud." Maybe they're actually reading their lines from a cue-card off camera. Moviegoers get sucked into these types of films because they think they're going to see some outrageous stunts and realistic action. Supercross is an action filled sport that's very real and dangerous. Despite the fact that the filmmakers brought their cameras alongside actual competitions to capture the action, it’s boring to look at and there isn't much of it. Why call it "Supercross: The Movie" if we're gonna get a lame, formulaic and predictable story about two brothers and the only bit of realistic action is saved for the end? Even if the action was filmed as it really happened, plan the editing to make it visually interesting. And why not shoot a movie about motorcycles racing across a landscape in widescreen Cinemascope? If anamorphic lenses are too expensive for you budget, shoot in Super 35mm. Sheesh! The whole thing appears as an idea that sounded more impressive as pitch than an actual movie. If director Boyum finds few people returning his calls after this one then maybe he can call upon his protégé Howey to play Frankenstein in "Van Helsing 2" when he goes back to directing straight-to-video fare.