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TRANSPORTER 2
RATING: - Full Price
- Matinee
- Wait For DVD
- Wait For Cable <<<<<<<<<<<<<
- Wait for an apology from Fox Studios
Starring:
Jason Statham, Alessandro Gassman, Amber Valletta, Kate Nauta,
Matthew Modine. Written by Luc Beeson. Robert Mark Karmen. Directed
by Louis Leterrier.
Rated PG-13 - for intense sequences
of violent action, sexual content, partial nudity and brief language.
****DISCLAIMER****
These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Dear readers,
the minds behind Latinoreview.com have promised they will give
me more screeners which will give birth to more reviews. I know
you’ve been patient, but don’t worry. I shall do my
best in continuing the American tradition of doing what I can
in the dumbing down of the general population.
 Transporter
2 sucks. I’m just going to get right to
the point and not waste your time like I normally do. So you can
not bother to read any further or you can sit back, read, and
laugh and laugh and laugh until Twinkie filling comes bursting
out of your asshole. Transporter
2 is like having to sit through a Jennifer Lopez
moved that’s being played backwards and is in Chinese. Not
that there’s anything wrong with Chinese, but you guys could
put a little more effort into your subtitles. As Chin We-Szu was
holding Ring-A-DingDing in her arms as he was taking his last
breath, I don’t think she said “You are my hard vaginal
bosom in a rocky crater of go-karts.”
Our “What the fudge??”
movie this week is Transporter
2 a.k.a. What The Fudge? starring
Jason Statham returning as transporter Frank Martin. Also in this
gigantic pig fest of horror is Amber Valletta playing Distraught
Rich Wife, Alessandro Gassman as Villain of Unknown Ethnic Origin,
and Matthew Modine playing Distraught Powerful Husband. I’m
not sure if having Matthew Modine in your film is a big deal or
not. I don’t remember seeing anything he’s been in
since Cutthroat Island in 1995. Doesn’t matter. I’ve
never liked him or his stupid name. Modine sounds like a moniker
for ‘gay cowboy’. This is gonna be a long review…
 Transporter
2 takes place in Florida. The original Transporter
took place in France. The audience just gets taken to Fucked.
Instead of getting to look at cool small towns and beautiful scenery
with crazy action in a cozy setting we get, well, Florida. Unless
the movie rhymes with Barspace, if the story is taking place in
Florida, then your movie is going to suck. It must be some unspoken
rule in Hollywood. I actually liked the original Transporter (review
link http://www.moviereviewer.biz/Pages/transporter.htm). I thought
it was a fun, refreshing action movie with an actor who can successfully
fill the role of a leading man and not makes us wonder if he’s
a pedophile in real life. Transporter
2? Balls.
After bringing down the house
in France, we find Frank Martin living la vida loca in Florida.
He’s doing a favor for a friend and is driving some rich
brat to and from school for some rich married couple. Yes folks.
This kid is the only thing Frank will be transporting in the movie.
Transporting you to another time and space in that pretty little
head of yours. I shall do my best in describing the plot but if
I lose you, then return to paragraph one and start all over. It’s
not my fault you’re too stupid to understand what I’m
not trying to not tell you. Frank deliver kid. Kid get kidnapped.
Frank get blamed. Really tan villain has virus. Really tan villain
wants to use virus to kill drug agents at conference. Frank go
outside the law to solve crime. Frank fight and drive his Audi
instead of BMW. Frank win. Audience lose. There we go. Look for
the product placement scene where Frank opens his empty refrigerator
and we get a nice ten second shot of Heineken beer. I love subtle
advertising.
 Transporter
2 was written by Luc Besson who also wrote The
Transporter alongside Robert Mark Kamen. Robert has a bit more
expertise with a pen, writing the classic Karate Kid movies and
other films like Gladiator and The Fifth Element. I know writers
have down times, but Jesus Christ. I’m wondering when these
two had time to finish writing this piece of shit during one of
their cocaine blow out parties. Because only a man on coke could
have come up with this. I just couldn’t believe how dumb
this was. I bless you with an example of the hard hitting dialogue.
Distraught Rich Wife goes over to Frank’s house because…she’s
drunk. I guess. We really don’t know why. Make up your own
reason. She tries to get it on with Frank but Frank stops her.
She then asks, “Is it because of who I am?” Frank
looks at her sternly. “No, it’s because of who I am.”
Oh God. Shoot me now. Please.
Apparently Frank is such a badass he can’t bang women. If
you are an actor, and you have a chance at kissing a hot chick
like Amber Valletta but the script prevents you from doing so,
then walk over to the writer, producer and director and punch
them right in the face. Repeatedly. Then go punch Amber for being
a tease.
 Besides
the idiotic dialogue, we’re also stuck with dumber action
sequences then what you’ll see in a Michael Bay movie. Here’s
an example…Frank delivers the kid to the bad guys. He has
to deliver the kid or the girl on the movie poster you saw in
the theater will shoot Frank. The villains, instead of shooting
Frank in the head after receiving the kid, let him go. They take
off in a boat. Before leaving, Frank notices via a reflection
from a puddle, that there is a bomb under his car. Instead of
driving 15 feet and getting out of his car before they detonate
the bomb, he drives about 90 mph and jumps a ramp flipping the
car. A wrecking ball knocks the bomb off the undercarriage and
the car continues its rotation, landing safely on all four wheels.
Since I saw this movie on the Fox lot with Fox employees in the
theater, I felt it rude to point at the screen and say “I
call bullshit!”
The
only positive thing about Transporter
2 is Jason Statham. He still has great on screen
charisma, and the fight sequences are a lot of fun to watch. The
fight with a fire hose was very creative and really well done.
Reminded me of a Jackie Chan movie for a minute. The driving scenes
when the car isn’t flying through the air were also very
well done. In fact, Transporter
2 is probably the greatest Audi commercial ever
made. Statham has a lot of talent but it’s being wasted
because he signed up for a sequel written by two men who must
have penned the script with their feet during a circle jerk. During
production, is there ever a time when someone, anyone during filming
says “You know, this isn’t looking so good?”
 Frank
Martin in the first Transporter always lived by rules. Cool rules.
Like “Never look at the package.” For the sequel,
the writers used their own set of rules during pre-production:
“Always believe in yourself
and each other. Magic can happen at 3 a.m. on Sunset Blvd.”
“It’s not the human spirit that gives mankind hope,
its Pork chops and Applesauce.”
“Believe it or not, I’m walking on air, I never thought
I could feel so free-e-eee!”
“There is no difference between a Carousel and a Merry-Go-Round.
Seriously.”
Since the plot about a kidnapping
and a virus made no sense, let’s focus on some things that
do make sense and make you want to see this film again…
Bah, screw this. I’m gonna
go eat.
george@latinoreview.com. |
