Yours, Mines & Ours

RATING:

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo, Jerry O’Connell, Tyler Patrick Jones, Ty Panitz, Danielle Panabaker, Miranda Cosgrove. Written by: Ron Burch, David Kidd, Bob Hilgenberg, Rob Muir. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.

Rated PG for some mild crude humor

In this family comedy, single parents Frank (Dennis Quaid) and Helen (Rene Russo) tie the knot... but with 18 children between them trying to sabotage the marriage, they discover that marriages - and families - can't be built in a day.

Ok, that is the drivel that Paramount Pictures would love to ram down everyone's collective throats as if this film weren't a complete waste of time, and in this humble reviewer's opinion: a lawsuit waiting to happen. What!? You say... how could a film result in a lawsuit? Well The Neverending Story aside, I think this film provides a remarkable opportunity for those of us who may have been laid off from Ford or GM for their Christmas season, or perhaps those who are a part of a telecommunications 'multi-level marketing' scheme a few too customers short of a first-check-getting promotion - or just someone who gave all their money away to a brainwashing cult, to earn a little extra money. Consider this a guide to riches, or perhaps just a piss poor review.

First of all, the American public needs to put a stop to whatever this overwhelming undertow of 'craptacular entertainment' that has become the bread and butter of the entertainment industry. I don't know where it began, probably farther back then I could be aware of: John Wayne should have retired or his kidneys should have a lot earlier then they did, Golan Globus should have never been allowed near a film set, Who's the Boss sucked and Tony Danza should have sown his lips shut after Taxi. Ok... but that is just a loose veneer of shit in an otherwise cool world — there was still some very cool shit being made in the 60's, 70's & 80's. Incidentally the original Yours Mine & Ours made in the late 60's was not terrible — but by no means a classic. So was it Madonna's acting? Will Smith? Rosie O'Donnell? Oprah Winfry? Scott Backula? The Wiz? Where was the pinion of shit that everyone mistook for apple pie and asked, neigh — begged — for more. Well there isn't an obvious answer and probably damn near impossible to ever agree to even if you did have some sense of where to begin...

I debated calling this film: the 2005 version of Yours Mine & Ours the worst film ever made; the worst exposure of film to controlled light paired with audio ever to be preconceived and executed.... but I can't. That would be too big of a compliment to Michael Bay. It is, however, the worst film of 2005. There couldn't possibly be a snuff film, overseas art haus 'celluloid experience', or home video that could be worse, that is all I'm trying to say. So what makes it so bad, you ask... mumbling something about 'how annoying bitter reviewers are'. In a word: everything. Dennis Quaid, who is a beloved actor diminished only by his Harrison Fordness and Jack Nickelson smile couldn't be stiffer even after getting locked in a Viagra factory overnight. Regardless of the number of times he falls/trips and lands into a vat of Nickelodeon it-worked-in-'88-so-it-should- work-today 'goop', he's still so unentertaining that he's painful to watch. Renee Russo, bless her heart couldn't play a mother any better than a crack fiend going through bad withdrawls in an Albuquerque episode of COPS. I feel bad saying those things about two actors that are sometimes gre- oh who am I kidding: they're actors. Seriously. Name 2 things lower than an actor...

True movie aficionados will want to know about the cinematography, editing, score and direction — but frankly those people aren't interested in this review, but if you require an answer: they're all complete and total soul-deadening, thought inhibiting, homicide inducing shit. Parents will want to know: will my kids laugh? Is it an entertaining film? To which I'd say: I saw the film with a room FULL of relatively silent children. The only person seemingly entertained was the half-baked dim wit sitting next to me whom I will refer guiltlessly to as retarded only because clearly she wasn't drooling nor wearing a seat belt. She should have. I'd say that if you went all of your life blind, underwent some miracle surgery and this was the first image to bless your cortex with - to avert your eyes.

So how does this add up to a lawsuit?? Well....would you let your children be called retarded? Would you funnel some Pepsi and popcorn down your offspring's throat and have their still-forming brains gawk at this psychologically damaging Hollywood family ideal? Remember these aren't the days of John Ford and Walt Disney any longer, you can't trust these bastards. Dipshit...the director... what's his name (looking at the press kit)... oh yes... Raja Gosnell would be tried and CONVICTED as a heretic and a witch in any other time period (supposing in the future we reinstate the Spanish Inquisition). Of course, I digress - you probably trust your child not to 'take movies seriously', just like you'd trust them not to eat junk food, flirt with the babysitter and Gestapo the house looking for daddy's porn. You want a world where there are no metal detectors in schools? Try to stop filling your kids head with images of perversity, dumbed down language, and other insipid badly mannered kids - and they might have a fighting chance to actually learn something. Hollywood has once again shown that THEY DO NOT CARE about your kid. In fact, they care so little about your child that this film wasn't even made to entertain them: it was made as a part of a contract that nobody knows about, it is a 'stepping stone' for Mr Raja, it was some old codger sitting naked in his office trying to seduce his secretary with 'a producer credit' in exchange for some shiatsu close to where he sheeits-from. The movie could have been better directed and cast using Cragslist to solicit free labor in exchange for food and gas reimbursement. For anyone that you see purchasing a ticket, get their names an numbers, when the times comes — class action lawsuit against those who'd treat us and your kids like we don't know what good entertainment really is — wait for my signal.