RATING:

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Shirley MacLaine, Michael Caine, Kristin Chenoweth, Jason Schwartzman, Joan Plowright, Jim Turner, Heather Burns, Stephen Colbert, David Alan Grier, Steve Carell. Written by Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron, Adam McKay. Directed by Nora Ephron.

Rated PG-13 for some language, including sex and drug.

Nicole Kidman won an Oscar. Will Ferrell is one of the funniest men on the planet. So how could they team together to make a movie that wallows in such mediocrity? “Bewitched,” a quasi-remake of the classic tv show, is magical for only one reason: its supernatural ability to make great performers look ordinary.

In an attempt at cleverness, the movie is not technically a remake, per se, but rather a “film within a film” that acknowledges the existence of the classic show. Jack Wyatt (Ferrell), a Hollywood actor in a slump, agrees to star in a remake of “Bewitched.” (See? Get the inside joke? Because the movie is sort of a remake, too!)

Jack, though, wants to be the show’s only star. His career hinges on the show, and he demands a Jack Wyatt powerhouse. So he casts an unknown as Samantha: Isabel Bigelow (Kidman), who has no acting experience whatsoever, but has the uncanny ability to twinkle her nose in exactly the same way as Elizabeth Montgomery.

And here’s where the real fun is supposed to kick in. In real life, Isabel is really a witch, too! Like with a broomstick and stuff! At the blink of an eye she gets whatever she wants—gleaming new houses, incalculable riches, even the adoration of any guy she chooses.

Now, after a lifetime of witchly-omnipotence, Isabel wants to relinquish her powers, to be vulnerable, to let a man lover her for who she really is. In some bland and lengthy scenes, Isabel struggles with life’s quotidian chores—hooking up cable to her T.V., cleaning the living room, shopping.

In the kind of astonishing coincidence that only happens in Hollywood, at the exact same time that Isabel decides to stop using her magic, Jack casts her as Samantha, the tv-witch who is not allowed to use her powers. Oh, the irony!

As Jack and Isabel start shooting the show, Ferrell and Kidman reveal a shocking lack of chemistry. The characters ostensibly fall in love—both in the film and in the film-within-a-film—but it has all the sexiness of, well, a 50’s tv show. There’s no heat. No connection. The flirting is forced.

Every few scenes, Will Ferrell is given his accustomed space, and once unleashed, he pulls off his typical comic feats. While taking with his agent (an appropriately smarmy-looking Jason Schwartzman, who makes the most of his inconsequential role) and the tv-producers, for instance, Jack waffles between cowardice and arrogance, hitting a comic high-note that rings loud and true, even through the lamest of storylines.

Not only is the film flat, it’s long. Or at least it feels it. Once they fall in love, Jack and Isabel face not one, but two obstacles to really making their relationship work. First, Isabel has to deal with Jack “being a jerk,” the fact that he really wants her to be a silent-partner on the show. A solid twenty minutes is devoted to this uninteresting dilemma, including a ridiculous time-reversing sequence that makes the ‘The season was all a dream” stunt from “Dallas” look like good storytelling.

Once the crisis is solved, the film should just end already. Instead, we have to deal with another (expected) obstacle to their eternal happiness: Jack still doesn’t know that Isabel is really a witch. Should she tell him? Should she lie?

Sure, sure, the film benefits from solid supporting work: Michael Caine (Isabel’s father) and Shirley MacLaine (hey, she’s still alive—wonderful news!) both shine. And Steve Carell, who seems to pop up in every recent Will Ferrell movie (“Anchorman,” “Melinda and Melinda”) delivers a gleefully manic cameo.

But it’s too little, too late. One of those many movies where the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

Agree? Disagree? E-mail me at jeff@latinoreview.com.