DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO

RATING: C- for fans of the first movie/ Solid D for everybody else.

Starring: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin, Jeroen Krabbe, Hanna Verboom, Oded Fehr, Til Schweiger and Douglas Sills. Written by Rob Schneider, David Garrett, Jason Ward. Directed by Mike Bigelow (Coincidence? I think not.)

Rated: Rob Schneider achieves his hard R for pervasive crude language, sexual humor, nudity and drug content

When we last left our kindly fish enthusiast turned hapless Man-whore, Deuce Bigalow had stopped selling himself for money and ran off into the sunset with the love of his life, the charming and fetching Kate. Alas, Man-whoring and married bliss do not often go hand-in-hand, and in order to have a proper sequel, our hero must get back to his ass-peddling ways. This plot point is dealt with early on in “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” much in the style of the Austin Powers sequels. Soon enough, our favorite ‘Prostidude’ is back in the swing and embroiled in an all-new set of “hilarious” adventures.

Is any of this even remotely necessary? Of course it isn’t, but surprisingly, there are worse examples and excuses for needless sequels in Hollywood than this harmless dung heap. The original movie cost a paltry (in studio terms) 17 million dollars and ended up grossing 92 million dollars in worldwide box office before DVD sales and rentals. That return on investment obviously ain’t just whistling Dixie and since there seems to be a severe dearth of original ideas in commercial moviemaking, this sequel almost justifies itself. Note that I said ‘almost’.

The formula for creating a sequel these days seems to be making the exact same film as before but spending more money to do so. The creators of European Gigolo decided to fly in the face of convention and produce a combination Man-whore comedy/murder mystery with a mini- travelogue of Holland thrown in for good measure. Rob Schneider and Eddie Griffin reprise their roles as Deuce and TJ the Pimp when a ridiculous set of circumstances involving dolphins and prosthetics reunites them. TJ has set up shop in Amsterdam – our legalized modern Gomorra. He’s living on a tricked-out houseboat with questionable plumbing and is finding it hard to keep the flow going amidst all the standing water. (What is it with this summer’s movies and their sympathetic pimps? For a better way to spend your time and entertainment dollar, see “Hustle and Flow”.) Their happy reunion is short-lived however, as it seems someone is killing all the great Man-Whores of Europe. TJ becomes the main suspect and Deuce sets out to clear his friend and perhaps find the real killer.

It logically follows of course, that in order to help TJ, Deuce must start hooking again. We don’t have a movie if we don’t have a ho. I was never a huge fan of the original, but I do remember enjoying certain things about it. It was sweet how Deuce never had to actually turn a trick – at least from what I recall. He mostly made his physically freakish clients happy by not treating them like freaks or clients. He usually just befriended them, listened to them and helped them find ways to make themselves happier and their lives better. Check - we got that here. I also liked the seemingly unlimited turns of phrase employed to describe Man-whoring and the male sexual organ. Not to worry, there’s plenty more where that came from in this script.

The movie fails eventually simply because too many of the jokes fall flat. I don’t mind stupidity in movies as long as the stupidity is inspired. “Dumb and Dumber” and “The Jerk” are as stupid as all get out, but the humor somehow stands the test of time. That could be attributed to the writing and/or to the genius of the lead actors as Perfect Fools. Rob Schneider is amiable enough, but you won’t mistake him for Jim Carrey or Steve Martin anytime soon. Schneider may have gone to the well one too many times trying to breathe life into this character and director Mike Bigelow’s filming of Amsterdam is reminiscent of The Netherlands EPCOT style, but all in all, I still don’t think the movie is a total abject failure.

That the producers were able to corral some serious talent for this flick is pretty amazing. Eddie Griffin is an incredibly funny performer and someone needs to find this man a decent vehicle quickly. Forced to hide his light under clunky dialogue and a succession of more and more hideous wigs, his talents are wasted here. But with his rapid-fire drum snap delivery, he somehow manages to extract some laughs. Jeroen Krabbe (The Fugitive, Ever After, Ocean’s Twelve) seems to be slumming as the requisite police detective Gaspar. A press release reports that his teenaged son loved the first movie and convinced his father to take the role. Krabbe immerses himself in the lunacy and seems to relish the opportunity to not take himself seriously. There are a few funny if moronic bits. TJ seems to be more upset about being perceived in the press as gay than as a homicidal maniac. (I hope GLAAD is not too offended by this.) The film achieves the incredible feat of listing at least 5 alternative cousins (primos?) to the ‘Dirty Sanchez’ -- all filthier sounding than the last. There is also a humorous yet narrative- diverting cameo by the too-little seen Norm Macdonald as he speaks before the clandestine International Society of Man-Whores -- a kind of Skull and Bones for the gigolo jet set.

Ultimately Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo is a mass of misfires and misfortunes with some chuckles here and there. It’s unfortunate the writing isn’t witty enough and the talent is wasted. It’s unfortunate there is yet one more stereotypical blond and bland love interest. It’s unfortunate the movie culminates at a faux Academy Awards for Male Hookers. It’s unfortunate that I’ll never get those 90 minutes of my life back. But most importantly, it’s unfortunate that this movie is just as bad as I expected it would be. I would have loved to have been surprised.