RATING:

Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Josh Brolin, Dwayne Adway, Scott Caan, Ramon Saunders, Ashley Scott, Chris Taloa. Written by: Matt Johnson. Directed by: John Stockwell.

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action violence, drug material, some sexual content and language.

I’ve never seen a real life shark bite but I always imagined the real life version of one would be jagged, gruesome, and above all, sloppy. Into the Blue, the new film starring Paul Walker and Jessica Alba, proved this theory wrong. In one of the movie’s more memorable scenes, an unfortunate character is lifted back onto a boat after just such an attack. The bite appears to have been taken from both the upper thigh portion of her leg as well as the bottom calf. Far from the dangling, spewing stump I expected, her wound is almost cartoon-like with its neat, blood trimmed teeth marks. It literally looks as if the shark responsible bit in for a taste, decided it wasn’t his flavor, and swam away. The character dies in a hospital minutes later but, given how ridiculous this film is, I’m not ashamed to say I cracked up.

Let’s start off with the good. While it never attempted to flirt with originality, the premise had potential. Stripping away the inevitable drug trafficking elements, Into the Blue, at its core, is a contemporary treasure hunt film. Great movies are often made by taking a simplistic, familiar idea and injecting it with modern day sensibilities. Here, instead of murderous pirates suffering from tooth decay, the adventurers are pretty, young tanned people who apparently get their money worth on gym memberships. Not allowing the source of their inspiration to escape you, the film even throws in a buccaneer’s fairy tale to parallel the on-screen love story.

The film forgets, however, that its characters are not seafaring pirates void of conscience. The topic of morality is brought up once before they descend to excavate a lost fortune. It’s amazing to watch how fast they throw out not only values, but also logic. Their underwater quest is prompted by the discovery of a submerged plane wreck loaded with cocaine and the dead bodies that were aboard. Minor details. In the full view of their brilliant scheme, they plan to report this finding after they’ve uncovered their buried ship. In a film like this, the hope is to root for the protagonists even if your support comes with a pang of guilt. Here, given their pure greed and lack of common sense, you can’t help hoping for their violent deaths.

In a movie where the plot slowly but assuredly implodes as it progresses, the hope is that at least the actors will give you something in the way of watchable performances. It doesn’t happen. Paul Walker and Jessica Alba are tolerable when partnered with more charismatic actors, but placed together here only manage to compete with each other for least amount of talent. Truth be told, every scene that featured him was stolen by their on-screen pet. All he did was lay down and pant heavily in the hot sun. It was a dog effortlessly being a dog, yet he displayed more nuance and subtlety than this pair have their entire careers.

This movie also features remnants of James Caan in the form of his son Scott. While he isn’t a terrible actor (he comes off as Brando compared to Walker), the junior Caan just makes you want to duct tape him to a metallic folding chair and make him watch a marathon of his dad’s work. It’s unfair, true, to review this young actor as the seed of a legend, but understand I just found this little fact out prior to the screening. I recognized Scott from his supporting roles in other movies and always found him somewhat amusing. Here, he is given the worst lines in a movie spilling over with horrible lines. It’s that annoying. Again, he is his own man and walks his own path, but it’s disappointing that Scott has opted to typecast himself as the loveable goofball in all of his films. James Caan, while on in the years, is still fear on legs. Whether playing a seasoned tough guy in Way of the Gun or Will Ferrell’s father in Elf, the actor still invokes that scary, powerful presence he did in the first Godfather. This is not to say that Scott needs to mimic the man’s roles, but noticing the resemblance in his close-ups here, you can’t help wondering on the potential of a raw and young Caan for a new generation.

If edited to a lean ten minutes, without all that unnecessary story and dialogue, Into the Blue might’ve worked as an extended commercial for a tropical vacation of some sort. I left the screening wanting to strap on flippers and take pictures of coral with a disposable, waterproof camera. Unfortunately, it poses as entertainment.