BATMAN BEGINS

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Starring: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, Rutger Hauer, Ken Wantanabe and Morgan Freeman. Based on Batman Created by Bob Kane, Story by David S. Goyer, Screenplay by Christopher Nolan & David S. Goyer. Directed by Christopher Nolan.

Rated PG-13 for Bat-Violence and Bat-Language.

****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. This review comes with optional 6 speed sequential manual transmission, 18 inch wheels, 6 disc cd changer, and a really expensive whore.

Ok, so how many people have played Batman now? Lewis Wilson (Look it up. I had to.), Robert Lowery, Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney and now Christian Bale. More characters have played Batman than have played Danny Zuko in Grease on stage. Using my top secret contacts in Hollywood, I was able to find out who else was up for the part of Batman, and why they were turned down:

Burt Reynolds: Refused to shave his mustache. His argument was that it would have made the Bat more distinguished and able to sweep 45 year old victims off their feet. Plus he wanted to paint a Firebird on the hood of the Batmobile.
Mike Tyson: Studios looking for a different direction thought Iron Mike would be the way to go. Until he opened his mouth and talked like he’d just been kicked in the hee-haw.
Halle Berry: This Oscar winner can play any role in the universe. Just ask her. But the studios could not afford the auto insurance cost from the hit and run damage she may do in the new Batmobile. And that’s just off the set.
Tom Cruise: Perfect except he’s too short, too religious and completely bat shit now that he’s dating Katie Holmes. Wait, can I tell Tom Cruise jokes or will I get knocks on my door at 3 in the morning?
Kevin Smith: He’s perfect, except he’s fat and can’t act. But he can write all the funny dialogue for Batman as he tries to talk his way out of a situation! Oh Kevin, thy wit knows no bounds!
Ben Affleck: Hey, he fucked up a Marvel character, why not kill DC too?
Reese Witherspoon: She could play a rich, stuck up, bossy, overbearing character! Wait, would she need to audition??
Star Jones: Girlfriend, you best believe this Batman would be all up in your bidness and all up in your refrigerator. Utility belt is filled with emergency cupcakes and meatballs for when she’s on the go and in the flow.

Our ‘Back in Black’ movie this week is Batman Begins starring Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne/Batman, Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox, Michael Caine as Alfred the Butler, Liam Neeson repeating his role as another trainer guy who mentors a younger person in a skilled art such as fighting, Gary Oldman as James Gordon, Ken Watanabe as Ra’s Al Ghul, Cillian Murphy as The Scarecrow, Katie Holmes as some chick, and Rutger Hauer. Yep. Rutger Hauer. You thought the acting awesome meter was filled until you see him on screen. Worth the price of admission alone!

This comic book tale is another origin story about the Dark Knight. Why? I have no freaking idea why. But hey, if you’re gonna put ‘Begins’ in the title of your movie, I guess it makes some sort of sense. Our story starts out with Bruce Wayne is a prison in another country or is on lunch break at Microsoft. There he fights six or seven hundred other people for no real reason, gets thrown in the hole, and meets Liam’s character "I Must Train you." What follows is Bruce’s journey into how he becomes Batman, why he can’t get over his parents death, yadda yadda yadda. There are quite a few fight scenes with Bruce training at the 24 Hour from Hell since it’s required in Liam’s contract that he have one fight scene in every movie he’s in, even if it’s a Disney cartoon.

Batman Begins focuses mainly on the character of Bruce Wayne and less on his Batman persona. I actually found this more interesting than the Batman scenes themselves. While the scenes with Batman were cool, the fights left a lot to be desired due to the fantastically adopted method of MTV chop suey style editing. It’s annoying to watch, but it almost makes sense since it looks like Bale couldn’t even fart in that suit, much less move.

The bad guy plot revolves around the character of The Scarecrow who wears a burlap sack over his head and sprays people with huge doses of Aqua Net, causing them to scream in horror and run for the nearest salon to wash that shit out before they go crazy. He’s working for Ra’s Al Ghul who was the big cheese at the martial arts/ninja/spooky training facility located at the top of Aspen resort where Bruce trained with Qui-Gon Jinn. The whole evil plot thing revolves around tainting the water in Gotham or something. Which is kind of silly because if these guys had ever traveled to Fresno, they’d know that poisoned water really has no long term effect on anyone. Now, Batman has fought and beaten a lot of hardcore villains such as The Riddler, The Joker, The Penguin and….ok, so they’ve always been pretty silly villains. But I don’t think a villain qualifies in the Bat universe unless his name begins with ‘The’ so it doesn’t matter.

Bale does his best at playing the Dark Knight. He looks the part and acts like a man who’s still suffering from the loss of his parents and the fact that it would take him an hour just to go pee if he’s out drinking with the Justice League. His suit is all black and looks great. No real Bat-gadgets are used. Mostly the grappling hook and some sharp pointy batarang looking things. One thing I didn’t seem to understand was his sudden command of every bat that lives in Gotham. He’s able to make them cause distractions and generally cause havoc. So he either has a killer Bat-Whistle or Gotham has a serious Chiroptera problem. Big word used for all you big brains out there! Bale growls every line he says as Batman to give you, the viewer, the impression that he’s a no nonsense kind of hero. There’s one line where he talks just like Marlon Brando from The Godfather, and I kept waiting for the cotton to fall out of his mouth.

The new Batmobile is a combination Hummer/tank/and rejected Hot Wheels model. It made me miss the old Batmobile but you can’t deny the fact that this thing is pretty awesome in its destructive power. In fact, he destroys more of the town in that thing than a Power Rangers episode. With gas prices the way they are, I’m surprised there wasn’t a Chevron located in the Batcave. That sucker can’t get more than 10 mpg.

The acting is of course great from everyone involved. From Morgan Freeman who plays the scientist who gives Bruce all his fancy gadgets, to Michael Caine as the butler Alfred. Even Katie Holmes manages to not annoy since she’s not used as a big love interest which helps with the pacing of the film. You can’t slow this bad boy down just so Bruce can shove his Brucemobile into the Katiecave over and over. And over. And over. And over…Jesus, anyone got a smoke?

Is it the best comic book to movie ever made? Some will say yes, but you’re not going to beat Superman or even Superman II for that trophy. At over two hours long director Christopher Nolan does a fantastic job and you’re never bored while watching it. Everything from the script to the special effects to the score to the set design was top notch. The only flaw was in the fight scenes with Batman, but what are ya gonna do? Is it better than the 1989 Batman? Maybe. But the ’89 Batman was a different type of movie and just as cool in its presentation of the Dark Knight. Then again, I’m on shrooms and drinking a bottle of vodka as I write this so right now Howard the Duck seems like Gone With The Wind.