RATING: Full Price <<<<<<<<<<<
Matinee
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Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Tom Felton, Matthew Lewis, Devon Murray, Jamie Waylett, Joshua Herdman, Alfie Enoch, Oliver and James Phelps, Chris Rankin, Robbie Coltrane, Michael Gambon, Robert Hardy, Shirley Henderson, Jason Isaacs, Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Timothy Spall, Mark Williams, Ralph Fiennes, Miranda Richardson, Brendan Gleeson, Frances De La Tour, Roger Lloyd-Pack, Pedja Bjelac, Jeff Rawle, David Tennant, Robert Pattinson, Stanislav Ianevski, Clemence Poesy, Katie Leung, Shefali Chowdhury, Afshan Azad, Angelica Mandy. Written by: Steven Kloves. Directed by: Mike Newell

Rated PG-13 for sequences of fantasy violence and frightening images

****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. If you are a Warner Brothers representative and happen to be reading this, please know in advance I will do all I can to not tarnish the good name of Harry Potter. You might also want to know that I can shoot fireballs out of my ass while juggling Cheetos.

The holidays are upon us with a bevy overrated hack movies about to be unleashed on your hard earned paycheck. What’s coming out in the next couple of months? Let’s take a look:

Get Rich or Die Trying: Half Dollar makes own version of family fun entertainment with even more gangsta Kool-Aid flava. Only this time, you won’t be able to understand a word the star is saying since he sounds like he has Down’s Syndrome every time he opens his mouth. If you want to know what Get Rich will be about, just go ahead and read my review of 8 Mile.
Aeon Flux: Charlize Theron stars in the live action film version of the MTV animated series. Nobody cares, but if she gets naked then it’s going to receive four stars across the board.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Four kids travel to the land of Narnia to shoot a hardcore porn film. I’ve never read the books but it looks like it will be a cool flick or the biggest train wreck next to a Star Jones diet plan.
Memoirs of a Geisha: This will hopefully put more pressure on the Senate to approve a Thai massage parlor that offers happy endings on every street corner in America.
King Kong: Wow! We’ve never seen this movie before in its 5 million past incarnations. Only this time, Peter Jackson gets his nerd on with his version of monkey love. Personally, I could care less. But the dorks who miss Lord of the Rings will lap it up like ice cream off of their passed out second cousin.
Big Momma’s House 2: Martin Lawrence is back to get all sassy and negro-riffic on yo ass!
Munich: Steve Spielberg is making a film about a past Olympic event. Hey Steve…NOBODY CARES.

Our ‘guaranteed hookers and champagne’ movie this week is Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire starring everyone from the past three films. So thankfully I don’t have to get into the whole credits thing because that would be a complete waste of time, space, and words and I’m just not into wasting time, space and words with meaningless sentences that have no bearing on the film at hand, causing you to wonder why I would put all of that information in my review. Glad I was able to clear that up for you.

In the 4th year at Hogwarts, Harry has been unwillingly entered into the Triwizard Tournament. An event that pits students from different wizardry schools in a series of challenging tasks. After the wizards Victor Krum, Cedric Diggory and the lovely Ms. Fleur Delacour are chosen, Harry’s name pops up as the surprise 4th contestant. Problem is, the rules were changed to where you must be 17 or older to be able to enter the tournament. So now there’s a big old hoo-ha as to how Harry’s name was picked since his balls are just now starting to drop. Balls of joy kids, stay with me. Along with having to deal with the tournament, Harry must also try and handle his new found crush on student Cho Chang and face the return of the evil Lord Voldemort. So if you’re a teenage student who thinks their year is going bad, then you need to shut the hell up and realize there are kids out there with bigger problems than your parents finding out about your solo lipstick parties with the jr. varsity football team. The story does take a hit and there are quite a few sub plots left out from the book. This is why I recommend reading the books before seeing their film versions, to fill in the gaps and to give J.K. Rowling more of that sweet delicious British coin she so richly deserves. The plot does move along at a brisk pace and the 2 ½ hours seem to fly by. There are some slow parts such as the dance sequence but the writers make up for it by injecting a lot of humor into those scenes.

Mike Newell tries to bring the 5,692 page novel to life in what is the most action packed chapter in the series to date, both on film and print. Yes, I do read the books. I cannot possibly write a review on a film without extensive study and research. I’m a professional people. My word is golden. Previous director Christopher Columbus tried his best, but everyone knows what a hack he is, so thank God he won’t ever be returning. Azkaban director Alfonso Cuaron also gave his best, but the film was so slow and boring that I didn’t care for his artsy fartsy ‘dark’ version. Newell brings the perfect balance of humor, acting and action to the screen. The kid stars have really come on their own in regards to line delivery and you can see the payoff and hard work that the director and his staff put into the teenagers acting lessons. Emma Watson as Hermione has really grown both in emotional delivery and in cup size. She was fantastic and I look forward to her career dying after the seven movies are made and she’s forced to do Playboy. Danielle Radcliff, who is unfortunately turning into the ugliest teenager since Rocky from the movie Mask, has also shown great improvement and gets a chance to show a wider range of emotions this time around. Rupert Grint as Ron Weasley just keeps making the same stupid diarrhea face he’s made in the past three films, so nothing new going on with him. If you’re curious as to how Ralph Fiennes does as Voldemort, don’t worry. He’s excellent in the role. However, Brendan Gleeson as Mad Eye Moody steals the show and reminds you that people such as Ashton Kutcher should not continue to go around calling themselves actors with a straight face.

In regards to the tournament scenes, they were done so masterfully I wanted to watch them again. And you never read those kinds of lines in my reviews. Mark this as a first, because I am now kissing everyone’s ass who was involved in this production. Everyone has seen the dragon clip from the trailer, and that task Harry had to face with said dragon was intense and extremely well shot. In fact, all of the action in this film was fantastic. I’m going out to the store right now to buy kneepads because if I ever run into Mike Newell and his director of photography I’m gonna have to get on my knees and show them how we Americans are better at everything we do. Shining shoes baby. Shining shoes.

Yes, the film does deserve it’s PG-13 rating, so if you’re a parent who too afraid to expose your kids to loud noises, some blood and fake dragons then you go right ahead and continue to live in your little Christian bubble of boredom. If your child is a Harry Potter fan, they will love this film. If they don’t, then they are probably spoiled rotten brats who don’t deserve the ability to read and should be working in salt mines.

Is this the best movie I’ve seen so far this year? I’m almost inclined to say yes. I was hooked from the opening minute to the closing credits. I was also really, really hungry while watching it so I could have just been delirious. This film will make Warner Brothers millions of dollars which they deserve and perhaps give them incentive to hire the 250-300 people back that they just laid off. If not, then there are some job openings I will be applying for. I love you Warner Brothers. You gave me 2 ½ hours of joy that I will always remember. God, I’m so wet right now…

Got a problem, pal? Then e-mail me: george@latinoreview.com