Your movie is bombing, that’s what’s happening.
****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Just so you know, I am going to crap all over this movie and include spoilers even though there is no twist ending. So if you want to turn back now, I wouldn’t blame you. Naw, reading stuff like this is fun!
M. Night Shyamalan’s movies, ranked from best to worst. See if you notice a pattern. Click the links for clues as to how good or bad each film is:
Unbreakable: The perfect origin movie for a superhero. Why, oh why, didn’t you continue this and go for a trilogy?
The Sixth Sense: Great movie, but if you didn’t notice that Bruce was wearing the exact same outfit when he was walking down the street after he got shot, thereby cluing you in that he’s dead, then you need to read more Encyclopedia Brown books.
Signs: Some effective scares, but turns cheesy once you actually see the aliens. Swing Merrill! Swing!
The Village: Wow. M. must be taking some really great drugs if he thinks this was a good idea.
Lady in The Water: Did anyone actually see this? Because it’s a giant piece of shit.
The Happening: See below. See link for a clue.
M. Night’s latest creation is his take on a natural disaster. Science teacher Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg), his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel), friend and math teacher Julian (John Leguizamo) and Julian’s daughter Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez) are on the run from a toxic poison that has been causing people to kill themselves. Starting off in Central Park, people just randomly freeze, then go about committing suicide. One girl stabs her own throat with her hair pick. A few blocks away construction workers are jumping off the building. Word reaches the school and everyone is told to go home. Not evacuate the city mind you, just to go home. But Elliot and Julian decide to skip town with Alma and Jess.
After buying train tickets, because I guess flying would be totally out of the question if things are mistaken as a terrorist attack, our party and others are stranded in the middle of Pennsylvania when the train’s conductors decide to stop the train because they can’t get a hold of anyone. I think I’d rather risk the train crash than the airborne toxin, but that’s just me. The goal now is to try and survive while figuring out what is going on. Was staying the in the train where there is food and shelter just not a viable option?? No, let’s instead all go outside and run around in the fields. Hints are given out that it’s the plant life and trees that are releasing the toxins because they see humans as a threat to the planet. I guess that’s a scary premise, but why would my house plant want to kill me? Who’s going to water you now that I’m dead, smart ass?
You know when people get the toxin because they freeze up then go into creative kill thine self mode. While on the way to Princeton to get his wife, Julian and a party of strangers driving in a Jeep see a bunch of people who set up giant ladders, climbed them, and then hung themselves from the trees using garden hoses. That sure does take an awful lot of planning just to end your own life. I mean, you have to get the hose, set up the ladder, climb the ladder, tie the garden hose around you and the tree, and then successfully jump off the ladder. One man decides to start up a riding lawn mower then lie under it as it rips him to shreds. A scene that tries to be reminiscent of the alien sighting scene at the birthday party in Signs, has a man who somehow got into the lion cage at a zoo and proceeded to let the lions rip his arms off. It’s supposed to be shocking that people are killing themselves, but it’s just ridiculous. Julian bites the bullet when a rip in the top of the Jeep gets the virus in the car and they drive it into a tree. Julian survives and sits on the ground, grabs a shard of glass and begins ripping at his wrists. I was doing the same thing in the theater but Sour Patch Kids are really ineffective tools when it comes to piercing your own skin.
There’s two major problems with the whole Princeton scenario; In the first place, Julian isn’t going to just abandon his kid with his friends to go after his wife who was supposed to be catching up with them. I’m sorry, but your kid is going to come first. It made John Leguizamo’s character kind of a dumbshit. I know you love your wife and all, but leaving your kid was just another flaw in a script filled with bullet holes. And I actually don’t think Leguizamo’s character kills himself. I think John himself just got tired of this idiotic movie and decided to sit down and slash his own wrists. The cameramen just happened to be rolling and got it on film and Night put it in the movie. I’m sorry fans, but the real John Leguizamo is actually dead.
Adding to the bullshit is that once Elliot figures out it probably is nature, they travel through a giant field filled with plants and trees to see if they can get to an area not affected. When one of the groups is poisoned, we hear, but do not see them blowing their own brains out. Why was this group effected and not Elliot’s? Because Elliot thinks it’s because that group was larger and posed more of a threat. More of a threat than what? I mean, none of this movie made any sense. The character of Elliot is always shown with his stupid mood ring on so are we supposed to think it’s certain emotions that the plant life is targeting? That doesn’t make sense either because the couple Elliot runs into have their own botanical sheds and they treat the plants good, so why would they be killed? It was by the middle of the picture when I was praying deadly toxins would be administered through the theater’s ventilation system.
If anyone remembers, there’s a scene in The Mummy Returns where Brendan Fraser and his son are trying to outrun the sunlight before it touches them. I voted it the dumbest scene ever put into a movie and would have bet anyone that it could never be topped. M. Night has toppled the king from his mountain and now holds the title of Director Who Has Shot the Stupidest Scene in Cinema. Instead of running from sunlight, this party is running from the wind. That’s right, there’s a scene where Elliot says to stay ahead of the wind. When the breeze starts coming towards them, then run from it. THEY ARE RUNNING FROM THE WIND. I REPEAT. THEY ARE ACTUALLY RUNNING FROM THE WIND. I HATE THIS MOVIE.
The acting in The Happening is perhaps some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen on screen. I like Mark Wahlberg. I’m a fan of his work. I think he’s a good actor. But why the fuck does he always have to speak softly? Is he holding back his inner rage? Is he only able to speak in either a hushed tone or scream like a banshee? He can never seem to actually just talk. I thought his character in this movie might have been gay because he spoke to everyone really soft and in a tone like they were six years old. The dialogue was awful and the human interaction laughable. Here’s a couple of examples:
The guy that owns the gardens and is helping out the family kept asking, “Do you like hot dogs?” I don’t know why he kept asking this question or why it had any relevance to anything in the movie. Does M. Night like hot dogs and wanted to share that with his audience? Because who really gives a shit if ANY of these characters like hot dogs, pizza, guinea pigs or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Approaching a house during the day, Alma says: “This house has no electricity.” Really? Are you a certified electrician now? You can tell a house has no electricity during broad daylight? Elliot responds with “Ya. And it looks like the driveway hasn’t been used in a long time.” What the fuck does this have to do with anything? Why am I listening to these idiots? Why can’t M. direct his actors and get some sort of emotion out of them? Why is this dialogue so bad? Why does my cell phone battery keep dying?
The third act is where the movie completely collapses upon itself in a pile of Shyamalan Shit. Once in the house they have to deal with a deranged woman who hates the world and the people in it. A ‘scare’ scene involving a doll was just laughable. Oh, this movie is horrible. Doors and windows are always left open, whether in a car or in a house. It’s amazing how much time these people spent outside during an airborne toxic threat. Then when they hear the wind blow they run to close the doors and windows. I mean, is everyone in this movie that stupid? The answer is: Yes. M. Night Shyamastupid.
This is Night’s view on how humans are ruining the planet and that the plant life is truly in control. It’s dumb. I like trees but trees are not scary. Even Day of the Triffids was scarier than this and that’s because they actually went out of their way to kill humans. This is a disaster movie without the disaster because you aren’t exposed to anything. I don’t understand why some people were poisoned and others weren’t. Why the plants only went after certain people at certain times. Why so many of the guys spent their time outside. I can’t imagine that the marijuana plants would be all pissed off. You think they’d be pretty chill plants and not want to kill anyone. They didn’t show any in the movie, I’m just creating my own scenes. After 24 hours, the threat is over and we’re left with the explanation that there is no explanation. It’s one of those things in nature that can’t be explained. Guess you couldn’t come up with anything huh? Months later after everyone is walking around like nothing ever happened, we think the worst has passed and humans learned their lesson. But the final scene takes place in France with the event starting all over again before fading to the credits. Why couldn’t this entire movie have just taken place in France? Had he killed off the French for ninety minutes I would have given this film an A.
Sorry, I have to interrupt this review: A commercial just came on during the NBA finals and Kevin Garnett was saying “I’m playing for the trophy. The trophy signifies you’re a winner.” You Mr. Garnett, are a dumbass. You are a rich famous NBA basketball star. Guess what Kevin, you already won!! Doesn’t matter, you could tattoo ‘winner’ on your forehead and in the mirror it would still read ‘dumbass’.
Ok, back to the movie...I hope this finally kills off what was once a promising career for M. Night. I’m sick of him and his movies now. He’s blown it with audiences and with the studios. Disney told him to piss off when they read Lady in the Water, Warner Brothers gave him the boot after Lady in the Water tanked, and now Twentieth Century Fox employees have to lower their heads when they walk around in public. I’m betting an executive at Fox will shove tomatoes down his throat at the premiere party and pray the silent beauty of mother earth’s diseases envelopes his body in sweet salmanella. You deserve the same fate as the characters in your movie. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised when The Hulk smashes your film this weekend and you go straight to DVD in two weeks, that you don’t end up at Home Depot purchasing a large ladder and some garden hose. I hope you become bankrupt and your house is given to Ed McMahon. You no longer deserve a career in Hollywood. I liked you Night. I liked your early films. I looked forward to them. Now I loathe them. You have turned into a talent deprived filmmaker with ideas that can’t carry themselves past the first act.
Night’s next project is a live action adaptation of Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender. He will once again write, produce and direct this feature. This time Paramount will be giving him a shot at redeeming himself before they too realize they made a huge mistake. I have an idea for you Night; go direct some commercials, do some music videos, maybe take a vacation. Come back in ten years and surprise everyone. Because at the rate you’re going, Hollywood is going to make damn sure that the door hits your ass on your way out.
What was your favorite part in The Hulk? E-mail: george@latinoreview.com
