Jessica Alba + Justin Timberlake = Bathroom break.

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Dude, I bet you’re really regretting that barbed wire tattoo you got years ago, aren’t you?

The Love Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is hired by Maple Leafs owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) to fix the martial issues of her star hockey player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco). His wife Prudence (Meagan ‘I love makeup’ Good) left him for rival hockey player Jacques ‘The Cock’ Grande (Justin Timberlake) who has an enormous penis. Pitka must reunite the couple to get Darren’s mind back on track to win the Stanley Cup. There are two things, based off this description, that prove this is fiction:

1. The Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Since it hasn’t happened in the last forty or so years, it can only happen in movie land.

2. Justin Timberlake has a penis.

The Love Guru almost plays out like it was going to be another Austin Powers movie, but Myers changed his mind and went in this direction instead. According to Mike, he’s gone on little comedy tours as this character for years, but I don’t ever remember hearing about it so maybe this is something he’s been working on in-between Shrek movies. The jokes follow the typical hit and miss Myers turn at the comedy plate. One out of every five jokes will make you laugh, but the others will show you that he just tries way to hard to force comedy down your throat. Myers tries using uncomfortable situations for some jokes that a better comedy writer like Ricky Gervais is better suited to pull off. Even though most of the film isn’t that funny, it at least has the courtesy to move at a quick pace and keep your attention.

The character of Pitka can be a confusing one. Sometimes he’s a concerned love expert, while other times he’s an arrogant ass. It’s this schizophrenia in Myers’ role that confuses an audience as to how they’re supposed to feel about the character of Pitka. Is he a harmless buffoon only trying to do well, or is he a selfish prick? I wasn’t sure what he was going for here.

Justin Timberlake tries his hardest as the arrogant hockey goalie with a bad Canadian accent and over the top facial expressions. It’s a role that should have gone to actual comedic actors, but instead it’s given to Justin Timberlake. His main scenes are at his mansion that Pitka infiltrates to try and get a note to Prudence saying Darren wants her back. Pitka ends up fighting a security rooster and takes on Jacques who idolizes Bruce Lee and wants to fight kung fu style. Timberlake tries to be funny, but he just isn’t and it’s a wasted role. I know, it’s fucking shocking.

Jessica Alba is in the movie. I would talk about her but I’d rather go vacuum the living room. Jessica and her husband Cash just brought a new baby into this world and named her Honor. If I was Cash I would have named her Golden Ticket because that’s what she became to him when he impregnated Jessica. I wonder if Cash and Kevin Federline call each other on the phone and snicker like school girls for twenty minutes before hanging up to play Call of Duty in the houses they didn’t pay for.

Like I said earlier, most of the jokes miss their target but the ones that hit, like the joke about his Mom getting a job, are really funny. But other jokes like a mop filled with piss and hitting someone in the face, are juvenile and not very creative. Gross out humor is fine with American Pie and Jackass, but not every fucking comedy that comes out has to have these scenes. To me it just screams desperation.

I will admit one thing about the movies Myers makes. He wants you to have a good time. Even if you don’t like them, he seems to want to make sure that his audience is having as much fun as he is. The Love Guru, like Austin Powers, has dance sequences and songs that break the monotony of the script and give the audience relief from some of the overused jokes. These scenes are fun to watch and music in Mike’s movies, going all the way back to Bohemian Rhapsody from Wayne’s World, are always enjoyable to see. Jessica Alba shows off her pre-Cash sperm insertion abs during some dance scenes, so desperate teenagers who wack off to her Maxim magazine covers can look forward to that. The rest of the adult world will still be laughing at the name of her baby.

Fans of Mike who have missed his live action roles on the big screen will have a good time with The Love Guru. It’s not his best work by far, (mostly because actors like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Alba are stinking up the screen) but the movie goes by quickly and the jokes, when they hit, are pretty funny. I can’t believe I wrote this entire review and didn’t make fun of the Hindu culture. Damn. I must be slippin’ in my old age.

Mike Myers and I hold hands when we hang out. You can get some affection as well when you e-mail: george@latinoreview.com