Rating: C- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Starring: John Turturro, Rainn Wilson, Tyrese Gibson, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Isabel Lucas Screenplay: Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, Ehren Kruger Director: Michael Bay MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material. Reviewed by: Ron Henriques - 06.23.09 Okay, well...er...hmm, where do I begin? Well for starters, I wasn't going to write a review of this film. I'm sure George can do a better job at ripping it apart and the way I feel, I don't want to think about any movie for a while. As I write this, I'm suffering from a headache that began mildly and is now progressing into real pain. The only thing that can cure it is probably sleep, but while my thoughts on this movie are still fresh, I wish to share them with you, because after tonight, I don't want to share them again. I can't completely blame the film for my headache, but it certainly didn't help. Right now, as I grow sleepy, I'm having trouble blocking out the random movie images and sounds from this sensory overload experience, much like a condition Shia LaBeouf suffers from in the film.  Much like driving for a very, very long time can take its toll, part of my brain feels like I'm still watching this movie hours later.  I heard terrible things about this 'Transformers' sequel a few days ago and because my expectations were lowered, the film didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought it would. That's still not a good thing. While I didn't exactly hate this movie I honestly can not say I liked it either. In fact, my feelings are nonexistent. I found myself thinking about anything but what I just saw and that's kind of sad. A movie, any movie, should have some kind of impact on you, good or bad. I was just left feeling indifferent and that's still not a good thing. But what do I know? A movie like this is going to make a huge chunk of change no matter what I say. Life is short do why waste so much of mine and yours ranting about a movie?  This is not a film produced for the mass market, but a specific target audience who want to check their brains at the door and engage in mindless entertainment. Fortunately for the box-office, that audience is rather large. Can something be mindless and entertaining? It depends, there were a great deal of elements I enjoyed in this film. A lot of work went into the design of the robots, their photo-realism as well as the personalities given to them by the animators and voice actors. At times my heart warmed to the thoughts of seeing different versions of beloved characters from my childhood and at others, I sat there wondering what the f**k is this? Just when there's something to appreciate or dare I say, “awe inspiring” within this film, either something really dumb happens or things get blown up. You could almost set your watch to it or make a drinking game out of it. Apparently the dumber the better. I don't care how much praise Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci have received for penning the overrated new 'Star Trek' film, these guys clearly do not know what they are doing. Sure, they were following Michael Bay's lead while scripting this thing, yet even though he is the director, you can not hold him entirely responsible for the mediocrity of this film's story. That's is if there is a story, which frankly, there barely is one. Two years after the events of the first film the heroic Autobots have formed an alliance with the U.S. military, hunting down stray Decepticons who have been hiding on Earth since the destruction of their vicious leader Megatron. But the Decepticons have already set dark and sinister plans in motion. Megatron is not the Autobots' greatest threat, but his master, The Fallen, an evil being who looks like a robotic version of H.R. Giger's “Alien” and sounds like “Candyman”. Maybe that's because he's been given the voice of genre actor Tony Todd, whose once sinister timbre barely raises a hair on your arm. The Fallen was part of a race of Transformers who visited the Earth a millenia before and unbeknownst to the human race are a part of its history. They seek a great destructive power source and the only means to locate it are hidden within the mind of Shia LaBeouf's Sam Witwicky. LaBeouf is a talented actor who has been able to hold his own with the likes of Harrison Ford, Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Voight (who wisely opted out this time), but at times his performances can be erratic. He was rather terrible in the first film, because he took the term “hormonal teenager” to the extreme. The film made the mistake of devoting screen time to him rather than focusing on the Transformers, who became guest stars in their own movie. His performance this time 'round is a lot worse. His parents (Kevin Dunn & Julie White) are even more obnoxious and embarrassing, he's been given the typical motor-mouthed ethnically offensive sidekick (Ramon Rodriguez) and for some reason he still can't say those three little words to his girlfriend Mikaela. That may come as a shock to some since she's played once again by Megan Fox, who has become a teen idol merely by showing her cleavage and wearing lip gloss. With Sam going off to college, there is an attempt to create some form of friction within their long distance relationship, but it gets rather lazy, stupid and lame, especially when Mikaela catches Sam making out with a babe who turns out to be a Decepticon. Although Sam destroyed that silly (Rubix) cube in the first film, a shard still exists which causes him to gain ancient alien knowledge when he comes into contact with it. Megatron (yeah, you knew he was coming back) and The Fallen want that knowledge to locate the mysterious power source and only Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and the rest of the Autobots stand in their way. Although these heroic robots look great on the silver screen, there is no time devoted to establishing relationships between them like on the animated series. For a kids cartoon, there was actually a bit of depth and humanity within the stories and you forgot these characters were fictional robots. This is a kids movie and its been dumbed down to the extreme. Much of this sequel is a chase film. The Decepticons chase Sam and the Autobots protect and defend him. He runs from college to New York, New Jersey, the Smithsonian and finally the pyramids in Egypt. Sounds like a smooth scenic trip when in actuality its a bumpy ride. It's like run, run, run, explosion followed by run, run, run, explosion, with boring exposition in between. Giving that exposition are either the Decepticons, (who look to be hiding out near the planet Saturn), Sam or former Sector 7 spook, John Turturro. That form of pacing is familiar to fans of today's action films, but Bay once again manages to photograph it all in such a way that you can't really see what the hell is going on. It doesn't make a difference whether you see this in IMAX or not, because the process was used poorly. Fight sequences you thought looked cool in the trailer turn out not to be as epic as you hoped and are rather brief. Only two battle scenes are presented in this high resolution format and they are choreographed and edited badly. Christopher Nolan proved he is a greater master of the medium with 'The Dark Knight' last year, because those IMAX sequences looked intricately planned and served as a storytelling device. Bay's work in the format feels like a last minute afterthought (which it was) and brings out the flaws in the CGI animation. Then there are some of the characters who are so poorly conceived that you question the sanity of the writers. Forget the fact that The Fallen sounds like a Harlem pimp, we're also given Rodriguez' character who screams like a girl and embarrasses the Latin community and two Autobot twins who talk jive, are constantly feuding, can't read and have gold teeth! Is Bay intentionally trying to offend Black and Hispanic audiences or does he think directing the “Bad Boys” movies gives him a pass? My headache is even worse now and I'm beginning to think the jackhammer tempo of the movie's pacing played a larger part than I thought. The sleep that awaits me may make it all seem like a bad dream. I will admit, that certain elements made me smile, such as voice actor Peter Cullen's iconic characterization of my childhood hero Optimus Prime, as well as his and Bumblebee's heroism and ability to kick some serious ass. I wanted to see giant robots beat the crap out of each other and there's more of that here than in the first film. But all of it feels like nothing without some substance to back it up which makes me feel nothing for this movie at all. Never thought I'd say it, but something as lame looking as that other Hasbro film 'G.I. Joe' now looks better than this, but I've been fooled before...   Tags: John Turturro, Rainn Wilson, Tyrese Gibson, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Isabel Lucas, Michael Bay, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen