Wanted is a weewy wild wide!
****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. I wonder if I could do this review totally naked? I...oh ya. That’s much better! Aw man, I forgot to wipe...
Wanted is the latest comic-book/graphic novel/funny pages book that has been picked up and turned into a major motion picture. Since Hollywood has outlawed original screenplays, audiences must contend with material found next to issues of Howard the Duck in the .50 cent comic book box. Granted, I’ve never read the series and it’s probably awesome, but talking out of my ass isn’t new to readers of my reviews.
Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is an accountant who hates his job and his boring life. He hates his fat bitch boss and knows his girlfriend is screwing his co-worker behind his back. Everything in his life changes when Fox (Angelina Jolie) shows up out of the blue and tells him he’s the son of one of the most lethal assassins in history who was just killed the day before. Meeting Sloan (Morgan Freeman) and other members of the assassination family, Wesley must find the courage and skill to shed his old life and embrace his unknown ability handed down to him from his daddy’s tadpoles. I guess if you’re a highly skilled assassin, even your sperm is going to always find its target. Let’s ignore that last joke and chalk it up to me being in the sun for the last three days. Sloan and Fox tell Wesley that a man named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) killed his father and Wesley is the only one who can enact revenge. Why only Wesley is beyond me because the reasons they give him were pretty stupid, but I’ll let logic take a bit of a back seat here.
Since ‘bullet time’ has been done to death and parodied for what seems like, thirty years, a new bullet feature must be created. So instead of slowing down the bullets, Wanted curves its bullets. Only the best of the best of the best of the best of the best in the assassin world can do this technique. I don’t know how it’s done exactly, but you swing your arm around, fire your gun and curve your bullet around an obstacle so it can still hit its intended target. It looks cool in the movie and since I have the brain of a tiny dinosaur, I went to the shooting range in Burbank to try it out. My court date is in two months.
Russian director Timur Bekmambetov who has his Night Watch trilogy of films, attempts to win over us stupid, lazy Americans with his kinetic action scenes and seizure inducing editing. The action is what really carries the movie and Timur may very well be getting some phone calls from the studios once this film is released. The opening action scene involves a pet food truck, a Viper and lots and lots of guns. It also involves a complete lack of possible reality. I know it’s a movie based off of a comic book, but the day a pet food truck can keep up with a Viper is the day Angelina Jolie adopts me because she wants to have more than one slow male adult in her growing family. But the action is really engaging and surprisingly well done. There is one scene that involves a train later in the film that looks like a 4th grader did the miniature work, which is a shame because the film has a slick look up until that point.
The plot is kind of goofy which is probably why the film relies on a lot of gun play and action scenes. I’m not sure why the character of Wesley tries to become a good guy who later unravels a bigger mystery involving his new family of trained killers. Hits are sent via coded threads that Sloan must decipher and hand out to his team. Wesley wants revenge for the death of his father but since he never knew the guy I’m not sure why he really cares. I guess when the clan sticks a few million in your bank account you’re probably obliged to carry out the tasks they assign you. I know for a mere hundred bucks I’d club my roommates to death with a shovel, so I can only imagine the inspiration I’d feel if I got a couple million.
The acting was fine for what it was. I think at this point Morgan Freeman can just bring a life size cardboard cutout to the set and say his lines via tape recorder stuck to the back of it. A cardboard cutout of Morgan Freeman would still be a better actor than Dane Cook. I’m not even sure Morgan has aged in the last twenty years. I guess that Dove moisturizing cream really does do wonders for your eyes. Either that or black people have aging secrets and they’re making sure whitey doesn’t find out about them.
Angelina Jolie does a great job playing the sultry, seductive and deadly character of Fox. With a buttload of tattoos and her Mrs. Potato Head lips, she commands the screen like she always does. She’s still rather thin looking though. I miss her Tomb Raider body. She looked healthier then and didn’t appear as if all it would take is one tater tot to fill up her stomach. Maybe she only has enough time for an apple a week because she’s too busy filling up her house with her own miniaturized version of the United Nations. I’m not familiar with James McAvoy. I hadn’t seen Atonement because, well, I have a penis, so I wasn’t sure how he was as an actor. He does a really pretty job though and if he plays his cards right, he can tell his agent he wants all the films that Christian Bale and Jake Gyllenhaal turn down.
The score by Danny Elfman is one of his most exciting with strong beats and punchy bass lines that could be effective in any number of action or Bond type films. Elfman is one of the industry’s best composers and manages to keep his work fresh and interesting. I listened to it in my car at the end of a five hour drive this past weekend and when I turned off the ignition and got out of the car I wasn’t listening to it anymore.
Wanted is good filler for action fans looking to take a bit of a break from all of the comic book movies flooding the market this summer. It’s still based off of a comic book but at least the participants don’t have to change outfits to beat up or kill someone. I know before I get into a fight I have to make sure I’m wearing my Knight Rider Underoos or I just won’t be as effective in the octagon. See you guys later, I’m gonna go practice curving my farts. Damn Taco Bell doesn’t leave you for days, does it?
I want Wanted witty words so write well to: george@latinoreview.com
