By Crom! Brett Ratner Is Back With Another Brett Ratner Update!!!
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By George 'El Guapo' Roush on
November 08, 2008
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Whooooo! What is up, my bitches!! Brett Ratner here making another surprise guest appearance for Latinoreview with this kick ass Brett Ratner update! In case you missed my first update, then click HERE and you can read up on what I'm all about! And that's making movies and banging hot pieces of ass! You won't find my updates at any other website!! Only Latinoreview lets me be who I truly am, the coolest son of a bitch on the face of God's green Earth!!
I was sitting in my crib the other day, sipping on a white chocolate mocha latte with sprinkles and whipped cream, when a thought popped into my head: What movie should I direct next? Beverly Hills Cop 4 or Conan? I mean, I could easily do both at the same time, but I might actually put all of my efforts into one movie. You know, treat my fans.
Tell you guys what, this is not a decision to be made over a latte. I do my best thinking on the toilet. Man, this new mansion I live in is so big, I haven't actually left my house in 40 days because I can't find the front door! My master bathroom is so far away, I had to buy a Segway just to get to it from my bedroom. This crib has it all, yo. Bowling alley, casino, skate park, carnival, private zoo, A smaller version of Hoover Dam that keeps my chocolate river from overflowing, a Chuck E. Cheese, and I must have a ninja camp so well hidden I haven't found it yet. But I know it's in the garden someplace cause I keep having to pick up these God damn ninja stars everywhere.
I totally banged Lindsey when she was on coke. LOL
Anyways, back to this important decision. What movie do I make? Since I'm the master of comedy making such high profile laugh a minute films like the Rush Hour series and Red Dragon, I can certainly handle a Beverly Hills Cop movie. I already know with my hot ass skillz behind the camera, that I'd be making audiences laugh a mile a minute with my quick and snappy camera movements.
Or do I go with Conan? I mean, I'm built like Conan, and I have an impressive collection of swords, shields and armor in my 45,000 sq. foot basement that doubles as a Medieval Times training camp and houses the time machine that I built out of a DeLorean. What to do???
 See this hundo? I have so many I actually sneezed this one out of my nose. I don't even know what a dollar bill looks like anymore. Are they still in circulation???
So I did what any intelligent single man would do. I banged hot chicks until I made up my mind! And guess what movie I'm going with, baby? Guess! No, really guys, guess!! It took a long time, but I made up my mind. Yep, you got it my hip hop cinema soldiers, I'm doing this bad boy next:  Hell ya, I use Bowflex. You can totally tell, huh?THAT'S RIGHT! CONAN!!! I'm doing the next Conan!!! Calm down guys, I know you're all excited and running around your tiny 20X20 room right now your parents can't get you to move out of, but yep. Conan is my next project! So Eddie Murphy and his "he he he!" laugh is just gonna have to wait, cause I need to get going on this! Even the trade papers got a hold of the news, check out what they wrote about it:
By the end of Friday, Ratner had made his choice. He has committed to take on literature's most famous barbarian and is in final negotiations to helm the picture, which is aiming for a release in early 2010. Eddie Murphy and the Pointer Sisters will have to wait.
Ratner jived to the "Conan" script by Gersh-repped Joshua Oppenheimer and Thomas Dean Donnelly, who looked to Robert E. Howard's original pulp stories of the 1930s to create their take on the character. The writers are doing a quick polish to incorporate some of Ratner's ideas.
As for the brawny brigand, Millennium and Lionsgate are eyeing a potential franchise and envision a very R-rated approach in the $85 million budget range. Preproduction is under way for a shoot at Nu Image's Nu Boyana Studio in Bulgaria.
"The story opens on the battlefield where Conan is born and tells the origin story that sets the stage for what will be the first of multiple films," Lerner said. "This is a coup for Millennium Films and proves that our choice of projects and material is attracting much higher-profile directors and actors."  Game, set match! No, she's not playing Conan.
This is exciting news for Conan fans because no other director could get into the grit and blood stained mind of Conan like I can. I promise I will bring you guys the best barbarian movie you have ever seen. The Governator himself just called! Check it out I recorded the conversation: "Hello?" "Ya, is dis dat Brett Radna?" "Hey, is this Arnold? What's up homie? You still owe me $500 from that last poker game." "Ya listen, so I heard you was doing Conan again, and I'm Conan you know, and I still have the nachos to pull of da role again, so I wanted to know if...*CLICK* Arnold ain't getting a piece of this Ratner ass! This is all Brett's baby and there will be no ties to the original. I'm gonna make this new Conan fresh and crisp! It'll have of course, my trademark humor and I'll throw in a love interest to counter Conan's inability to connect with females. Man, I am so excited, I'm gonna go out and bang some more hot chicks!  This is just a taste of how sweet this Conan movie will be, little man!!
Alright guys, I'm am up and out of this muttafukka! I'd love to stay and rap with you cats all day but I gotta get dressed, find the front door, and get to making this sweet ass Conan movie! I want to personally thank my good friend George 'El Guapo" Roush for letting me do another guest column. I know the treat was all yours, my Ratnermaniacs!!!! Time to get excited!! It's Conan directed by Brett Ratner!! The sweetest sentence ever written!! Hey, if you guys have questions, just be sure and comment below or e-mail: george@latinoreview.com or follow what he has going on over at Twitter! I'm a follower, why aren't you? I'm out bitches! See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! C'mere baby, give Daddy some sugar... |
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Tags: Conan, News |
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Sweet!
Commented By: Eli on 2008-11-08 14:38:40
Viva la Ratner
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Fuck Ratner...
Commented By: -cuteview on 2008-11-08 15:39:59
Damn! What a waste of great material and character. This property should have been offered to high profile directors not a piece of shit like Ratner. A big FUCK YOU to all those at Millennium and Lionsgate who had the slightest involvement in offering this property to a douche bag like Ratner.
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God...
Commented By: Jim on 2008-11-08 15:40:24
I fucking hate you Brett. Just your attachment to this project makes me not want to see it, and i own everything Robert E Howard ever wrote.
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Get it right fuckin Giorgio...
Commented By: B.R. on 2008-11-08 16:07:22
Quint pump Pumpskin Spice triple Venti Half foam Macchiato...
Frigggin ingrate wop..can't even do it right.
Also, my platypus is gone, and I remember some bullshit you told me like it was illegal or dangerous or some shit like that. Give it back George. I know your jealous of my sizz-tyle beeatch.
Get over me baby, Brett love the pussy.
Ratatat
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god of war...
Commented By: !_! on 2008-11-08 16:50:19
so is he still attached to GOW or what? let him do BHC 4 first. then conan...
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Ughh
Commented By: cashmoney on 2008-11-08 18:08:03
Brett Ratner is absolutely the worst director in the world. Why do they gove him movies? WHY? btw great article george
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YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT
Commented By: Jerry Lopez on 2008-11-08 18:42:37
AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Ratner, I hope John Milius castrates you with a spoon you greasy little fat fuck. Die die die die die.
Poor Robert E Howard must be spinning in his grave. I really love Conan, now it's destined to be ruined, just like X-Men 3.
And everything else you touch you fucking art-cancer fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!
Both you and McG throw yourelves of a big fucking cliff. Damn this is terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ratner Sucks
Commented By: Bob Rock on 2008-11-08 18:51:08
Ratner smokes pole!!!!
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on 2008-11-08 20:50:37
What a self absorbed piece of shit that guy is
that movie will suck ass
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Commented By: avoidz on 2008-11-09 04:07:52
I love the Ratner Updates! Keep 'em coming! :)
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Fuck that Douche!
Commented By: Matt Zinsky on 2008-11-09 13:56:17
He's an ignorant no talent fat bastard who sucks a big wang!
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do you have his address
Commented By: p w on 2008-11-09 14:31:22
so i could share my feelings about ratt doing a conan movie. by dumping into a box and mailing it to him.
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Can you say Uwe ?
Commented By: The Julester on 2008-11-09 14:45:48
Could be worse... Uwe Bowl coudl've directed this !!!
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Ratner...
on 2008-11-10 11:36:48
U ugly fuck, karma is just around the corner
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oh
Commented By: ldyzmb on 2008-11-10 14:29:43
some one need to stop this asshole end this shit
bad bad bad bad i want robert roriguez not this shit head give me a break
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Motherfucker!
Commented By: Conan O'Brien on 2008-11-10 14:57:20
Rot in hell ratner you fat fucking useless cunt.
Go and kill yourself! I wish your mom had taken that abortion they offered her cheap at the whorehouse.
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american tool
Commented By: What are you doing back there? on 2008-11-10 18:48:46
Why is he speaking like some try hard 13 year old ghetto pimp? How the hell does he get to make a Conan sequel? Let's face it - there is only one good Conan movie, scripted by Oliver Stone and John Milius, and directed by John Milius. I weep for your future Hollywood. This will probably join Alien Vs Predator as lamest, most unnecessary sequel ever. How's going to watch this turdburger?
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