2009 January Preview!
My monthly article of what's coming out in theaters continues as we take a look at the weird ensemble of films coming out the first month of 2009! Everything from horror and fantasy, to WWII and a Bollywood spectacular is available for you to check out.
Will the new year start off with a bang? Or totally suck and be a sign of things to come? As always, click the poster to check out the official movie website if available. It's a month of snow and the Sundance film festival, so let's start the new year off right with some previews and profanity!!!
January 2nd
Defiance [limited]
Daniel Craig takes a break from killing spies, focusing his energy on Nazis instead. And who doesn't love a good old fashioned Nazi killing flick, huh? Cuz, man, those sure are some cheerful fucking movies. In limited release January 2nd, look for it everywhere on the 16th.
See? All smiles.
January 9th
Bride Wars
Wow! Anne Hathaway AND Kate Hudson? All in one movie? Holy crap, let me get my vagina warmed up! Bride Wars is about two shallow dumb bitches who act like children and fight because both of their weddings were accidentally scheduled on the same day. I've seen this movie. And it's retarded. Which means it's the perfect January film for women who act like shallow dumb bitches.
I never knew they made AAA cup bikini tops until I saw Fool's Gold.
The Unborn
Do you see that ass in the poster above? Do you want to know why the poster is of a girl showing off her ass? BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS ASS. And yes. I've already seen it. So only go if you want to catch that Cloverfield chick in her underwear for about 25 seconds.
They're either taking a shit, or they're watching the dailies.
January 16th
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Now this movie actually looks like it may be fun. Even though it's a remake, it could be a good time with the 3-D effect combined with the whole slasher thing. Let's just hope for some gruesome over the top death scenes that will make you want to puke in your popcorn. Or your girlfriend's if you actually want to continue eating yours. (Hey, fuck her. You probably bought the shit anyway.)
Let me guess...you fell while trying to get out.
Stand up and wipe yourself off. You're embarrassing me.
Chandni Chowk to China
Let's not beat around the bush. This could possibly be the greatest movie ever made or the biggest piece of crap to ever come out of Bollywood. Either way, I'm betting it's a ton of fun to watch while drunk or stoned. It's got dance numbers, kung fu, hot chicks and dumb comedy. Have you not seen the trailer for this? You've got check it out. Five bucks this ends up being a sleeper hit for WB.
Who knows why they're dancing, but I'm sure it's awesome.
January 23rd
Inkheart
It's another Brendan Fraser fantasy adventure! I don't know what it is about this dude, but for some reason I like watching him on screen. I don't care if his movies are camp, (Journey was innocent fun) he's charismatic and always seems like he's having a good time in his roles. Ya, bag on the dude all you want, but he's a nice guy and he makes movies kids will enjoy. And since I don't see you doing that kind of shit for your snot nosed brat, you should be thanking him as well. Inkheart is about a man who can bring to life the characters he reads to his daughter. Sounds cool, sign me up! Can I pay kid's price though? These movies are getting expensive.
You didn't like The Mummy Returns? That's ok. I still made millions.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
I almost fell asleep during the second Underworld, and without Kate Beckinsale, I may just skip this one altogether. Vampires and Lycans and werewolves and...oh, who gives a shit. Just fight naked and maybe the guys will check it out.
Just as I thought. Too many clothes. Wet barbarian chick t-shirt contest!!
January 30th
The Uninvited
Hey, it's the month of horror! I think there may be more horror movies in January there there were in October. You know, that month when there should actually be horror movies. But this is a PG-13 movie and it seems like one of those films where the director relies on loud bangs and quick cuts to try and shock, not scare, his audience. Yawn. Pass the popcorn. Oh never mind, I puked in it.
"OMG, did you hear that weird noise?"
"I totally did. Let's turn the lights off and check it out."
Taken
Ok, I think this movie has been out for about six years already before it's finally getting a release here in the states. Yes, I've seen it. And yes, it kicks major, major ass. If you're wondering what Jason Bourne or James Bond would be like if they were a bit over the hill, look no further. But this guy is actually meaner than both of them combined. A must see.
These other films are also hitting theaters in January. Click each poster to check out their official website (if available).
January 9th
January 16th
January 30th
What films are you most looking forward to in the month of January? Comment below or e-mail: george@latinoreview.com
Celebrate the new year in style when you
