El Guapo's Top Ten Crappiest Movies Of 2008!
By George 'El Guapo' Roush on December 29, 2008
Top Ten Worst Movies of 2008

**DISCLAIMER** This list is for entertainment purposes only. I'm warning you now, I will not be 'nice' about why I hated these movies.

Yes, I'll have a "Best Of" top ten list sometime soon. What's more fun to read are the crappiest movies of the year. These are the little gems that you looked at on the theater marquee and thought, "I wonder if this is crappy?" This list will hopefully answer that question. These are the movies that made me want to walk out of the theater and punch the first old person I ran into.

These movies are the ones that from the 1st - 3rd act were just unwatchable. Mind you, there are hundreds of movies that I'm sure are just as shitty and I haven't seen them. This list contains the movies that I've actually seen and reviewed. Click on each poster to read my official review of the film.

Click HERE to read my Top Ten Kick Ass Movies of 2008!

Ready?

Set...

GO!

#10



21



A good book by Ben Mezrich is turned into a laughable piece of shit by Kevin Spacey and his Triggerstreet production company. The taught thriller contained within the pages of the book is made into 90210 in Vegas with all of the Asian kids turned into cardboard copy good looking twenty somethings who don't look like they could pull off a crime even if time stood still and they had free access to a bank. Spacey expands the role of the teacher from a small one into a big one in the movie for no reason other than to feed his own ego, and an unnecessary "Casino" inspired interrogation scene with Laurence Fishburne screams of desperation. 21 is a movie that proves the house odds are truly against you.


"After I split these Aces, I'm gonna split this blondie behind me."

#9

Boarding Gate



Just looking at this poster gave me crabs. I'm not sure if this poster was made to turn me on because there's nothing sexier than a woman who looks like a ten year old boy wearing grandma panties. Boarding Gate is a confusing mess that deals with Asia Argento on the run after killing her abusive lover played by Michael Madsen, who had to have been coked up the entire time of this shoot just to get through it. The dialogue is so bad and this movie so awful, that seven people walked out during the screening. For a movie that wants to promote its heavily sexed up star, there aren't even any sex scenes in the film. What a fucking waste of time.


Believe me, they're not undressing each other. They're still talking.
About nothing.

#8

Fool's Gold



While it may be one of the worst movies of the year, I actually had a great time writing the review for it. Fool's Gold is about a bum and his ex stuck together on a treasure hunt. The plot is as bad as Kate's acting and this movie is just an excuse for these two to get together and fuck each other in their trailers while getting paid for it. I didn't realize how much CGI they used in Fool's Gold until I saw all of the effects that were used to make it look like Kate Hudson had boobs. The only fools here are the ones who paid money to see it.


Hey ladies, which of these dudes would you rather be stuck
on an islan...oh, is that a girl?

#7

How She Move



If you're part of today's MTV generation then you probably caught How She Move during its entire one week run in theaters. The heavily clichéd "rebel learns a thousand life lessons" movie stomps the gauntlet of teen angst but in a way both laughable and dull. Not even the dancing is exciting to watch and for a movie that relies on dancing to tell its story, that's a shame. The two female leads were good, but even the penguins from Happy Feet were laughing at this one. How sad is that...


Are they dancing or did a bunch of mice just run into the room?

#6

Madagascar: Escape to Africa



I don't care how much money this thing made in theaters, it was still a piece of crap cartoon. Bad jokes, a bad plot with bad voice over work makes this the most overrated big time animated film in years. Even though I enjoyed the first one, the sequel is just a mess and really tries nothing different. A shame since another cartoon called Bolt was released around the same time, and idiotic parents took their kids to see this poorly animated film instead of the Disney one. Hopefully they'll clean up their act for the third because it's going to take a while to remove the stench of animal dung this sequel made when it stunk up the theater.


I had the same look on my face while watching this.

#5

Over Her Dead Body



Whoever the asshole was that first said Eva Longoria had a future as an actress should be shot in the back of the head. Not only is her face the color of a Better Cheddar, but she's not a funny person. And this is not a funny movie. And Paul Rudd should be ashamed of himself for even being in it. I can understand why the American Pie kid is in it, because he's used to doing shitty movies and sucks anyway, but come on people. It's ok to turn down a script once in a while.


Don't feel bad. You're not the only one that wants to slap the orange off her face.

#4

Space Chimps



Wow. What happened here? A movie that showed some promise fails in every single category. Not only was this worse than Tale of Despereaux, but it actually made me regret that I like animated movies. Space Chimps looked like it was stolen from a Gamecube Pikmin game and there wasn't a single laugh to be had. The voice work was bad as well, once again relying on a celebrity for your main voice. The script was something out of a bad Saturday morning cartoon show and I'm now envious of the journalist who walked out halfway through because I still can't believe I made it to the end without wanting to slit my own wrists with my car keys. Next time I see a monkey, I'm throwing rocks at it.


The wrong stuff.

#3

Transporter 3



Gee, what a shock. Two French filmmakers make the worst of list. Transporter 3 actually made me wish Jason Statham would retire as an action hero. He seems to just pick any role and after the second Transporter, he should have moved on. First time "actress" Natalya Rudakova almost single handedly ruins this film. She's not only horrible to look at, even from an Eastern European trashy whore point of view, but the bitch just can't act. I'm pretty sure this movie will be the rise and ultimate fall of her short movie career. Statham just seems to go with it, kicking and punching his way through a plot that makes no sense, against a bad guy who is just as scary as the bad guy in The Next Karate Kid. Shame on all of you for making this piece of crap. Please don't do any more Transporter movies. Please.


Like the plot and acting, Transporter 3 can't hit on any cylinder. Or helmet.

#2

The Women



If you've ever hoped for a movie filled to the brim with crusty vaginas and more plastic than the end toy factory scene in Child's Play 2, here's your dream film. The Women tries to resurrect the dead career of Meg Ryan and thankfully fails to do so. The movie is an abomination and women everywhere should be ashamed it even exists. It makes women come across as shallow, conniving cunts. And even though a couple of the actresses in this movie fit that description, it should not be a film for women to look up to. The Women is one of the most boring movies I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through. The characters are all stupid, and the end scene where the one girl is screaming for five minutes straight during labor caps off what that had been going on in my head for the previous ninety minutes.


Hey Meg, had you kept those legs crossed more, you'd still be married.

#1

The Happening



Mr M. Night Shymalshitonourfaces? Go fuck yourself. Fuck you and your shitty movies. Fuck you and the ninety minutes I will never, ever get back. I'm done with you. After watching you deteriorate with the 3rd act of Signs, you go and insult my intelligence with The Village, Lady in the Water and now this. The Happening. A movie about pissed off trees. I can't believe I saw a film that had people running from the wind. THE WIND. Are you really that out of touch with today's audience? Mark Wahlberg played his character like he was on Valium the entire time and nothing in this movie made any fucking sense. Can you please explain to me why the old man was asking our characters if they wanted a hot dog? Or how, in broad daylight, our antagonists (the trees are my friends in this movie because I wanted everyone to die) know that the lights have gone out in the house they're walking up to? I actually started pulling my own hair out while watching this.

M. Night, congratulations. You have made the worst movie of 2008. Fuck you very much.


Just close your eyes, little girl. It'll all be over soon. And if you're sneaky, you can remove this from your resume when you get older.

That's it! The worst of 2008 is behind me. I would say I'm hoping for a brighter, better new year, but with the Transformers sequel on the horizon I'm pretty sure I've already got at least one movie locked in as a top ten worst contender for 2009.

And in case you were wondering what the head honcho of Latinoreview, Kellvin Chavez, thought was the worst of the year, here are his picks with #1 being the worst:
10. Transporter 3
9. In the Name of the King
8. High School Musical 3
7. The Love Guru
6. Meet Dave
5. Disaster Movie
4. Seven Pounds
3. Space Chimps
2. The Spirit
1. The Happening

Kellvin's Runners Up:
  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  • Max Payne
  • The Day The Earth Stood Still
  • Strange Wilderness
  • One Missed Call
  • Hancock
  • Meet The Spartans
  • Vantage Point
  • Bedtime Stories
  • You Don't Mess with The Zohan.
Agree or disagree with the picks? Make yourselves heard by commenting below or e-mail: george@latinoreview.com

Be bad yourself when you


Source: Latinoreview
Comments
WHAT!!!
Commented By: Brandon B. on 2008-12-29 19:56:24
Does it go ...10 is the worst and it gets better to 1 ?? Or 1 is the worst up to 10....
No
Commented By: El Guapo on 2008-12-29 20:01:01
#1 is the worst movie of the year. #10 is the least of the worst. Something like that. You know what I mean.
Seraph_6th
Commented By: Cee on 2008-12-29 20:15:22
Man, I am too scared to watch the happening. Max payne was crap as well. I just hope Marky mark stops f*cking about and does well for "The Lovely Bones"
Indy 4?
Commented By: Bumblebee on 2008-12-29 21:15:06
Indy 4 didn't make this list? That was crapalicious. I could actually pick out which lines Lucas wrote: "They were diggin in the dirt, lookin for this stuff." I'm doing my damnedest to forget I ever saw this character I like so much in that movie. Aliens? "Knowledge was their treasure." Shut up.
Happening is definitely the Worst!
Commented By: Swinger on 2008-12-29 21:57:20
Indy IV was ok in my book. Entertaining! not as good as the first 3 but still it made my day! I enjoyed! I don't think it deserves to be in the top 10 worst list, let alone on any worst list of 2008. I agree Happening was one big pile of shit! M. Night should retire soon! and I mean SOON!

on 2008-12-29 22:07:56
Why in THE FUCK isn't that piece of shit Zohan movie on this list?!??! This is the only movie that I can remember vowing to never see again. I've seen bad movie, but this is in a class all by itself...it should have been number 1
umm
Commented By: shrubbie on 2008-12-29 22:08:58
what about the zohan movie? that one has to at least be on the list if not top three!
Indiana Jones 4!!!
Commented By: Branden Harrington on 2008-12-29 22:22:38
Ummm I would replace that "Happening" With ID4, I walked out of the cinema with a growing headace that didn't leave till a torturous four days later, fuck you George Lucas, that piece of shit!
C\'mon guys
Commented By: El Guapo on 2008-12-29 23:38:29
Do you read the articles? It's movies I've both seen AND reviewed. So Zohan wouldn't make the cut. And as bad as Indy was, it wasn't top ten worst material.
El Crapo
Commented By: Cervantes on 2008-12-30 01:32:07
Transporter s what it is, a well produced, good action picture. But what is disturbing is your lack of worldliness and taste in women. Natasha is gorgeous, and typically Russian. Not your cup of tea, ok. But putting her down by not understandintg the culture is naive and single minded. I guess you had to have been there. "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent" Sam Goldwyn
Sam...
Commented By: Mark S. on 2008-12-30 03:36:51
bwuahah..."you had to have been there?" Where? On set to see how really ugly she is. In Russia to appreciate the unattractiveness? Ugly crosses all cultures...ugly is ugly dude.
Your No1 spot was bad.
Commented By: The Dark Knight on 2008-12-30 05:58:07
What the fuck happened to Sex and the City? Fuckkkkinggg hell....Sorry the list ain't valied without that crap.
I concur!
Commented By: Chris on 2008-12-30 08:17:29
I agree, having seen numbers 10, 3, and 1. The Crappening deserves to be at the top of this shit list. The only enjoyment I got out of that movie happened as I was leaving the theater, when I walked out the door. In defense of 21, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Yes it was terribly awful, but it didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out.

Commented By: avoidz on 2008-12-30 09:22:51
Good list, thanks :) But it definitely needed Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers on it, too! And as much as I hated Indy 4, there was so much other shit out there to ignore.
Because...
Commented By: El Guapo on 2008-12-30 11:19:29
I never saw Sex & The City and Twilight. El Mayimbe's woman saw Sex and my woman saw Twilight. Remember, I can't put them on the list unless I've seen them.
Didn\'t Mess with the Zohan
Commented By: Philvis on 2008-12-30 12:25:14
I just watched a copy of Don't Mess with the Zohan and worry a couple years were taken from me for watching that horrendous movie. I don't even have words to explain how bad it was, and I am the type of person who rarely hates a movie. It is a travesty this was not on the list.
Shama-lama
Commented By: 420band on 2008-12-30 14:07:15
Happening was the worst no doubt But no one saw the humor in Adam Sandlers hummus jokes?Crappy? Yes BUT good crap, no? Love guru also sucked soooooooo bad. I'm done with Mike Myers. I couldn't sit through the 1st Transporter let alone 3 of them. And what the hell happened to the sarcastic Kevin Spacey weve all come to love?
Bad Films....
Commented By: E Pluribus Unum on 2008-12-30 14:21:32
In my opinion, The Love Guru and Meet Dave are tied for the year's worst film. One Missed call is a close second since it was total shit and a waste of time.
Good List
Commented By: Dana Place on 2008-12-30 15:40:27
But am I the only one that made the mistake of seeing the movie "Mirrors"
Disco Disco!
Commented By: John Tutturo on 2008-12-30 15:45:12
Fuck all you Scrappy COCO haters. I hope someone shitz en jour hummus!
What
on 2008-12-30 17:29:54
Twilight was the worst movie in history

on 2008-12-30 17:36:24
The Spirit should also be noted. VERY BAD.
You forgot
Commented By: Micah on 2008-12-30 17:41:55
Don't forget about Twilight and The Spirit.

Commented By: ShingoEX on 2008-12-30 18:42:44
THANK YOU for not adding Speed Racer. Most people hated it, but I LOVED it.
What about this movie..
Commented By: chillywilly on 2008-12-30 18:49:52
To me Surf dude was the worst ever made!
Complaint
Commented By: franky on 2008-12-30 18:50:32
My only complaint is that you gave too much credit to some of these films. "it fucking sucked, lets move on" should have been enough for a few of these.
Fuck You
Commented By: Colin on 2008-12-30 19:15:01
El Guapo, you are a god damn moron. The End.
I can\'t believe
Commented By: Drake on 2008-12-30 19:46:58
you didn't put WANTED on this list. That movie was pure shit.
Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones
Commented By: The Anti-Lucas on 2008-12-30 20:10:12
I can't believe The Knobbing of the Crystal Knobface didn't make it into the top 10 worst. I thought that movie dug up the classic Indie movies, shat on them, fuck their daughter, spunked up their cakehole and then set them on fire. Yes i know i'm being immature but then so was that movie. This is the year i've decided to forever hate Lucas and his 'let's make everything about space and aliens' crap.
Title
Commented By: DonkeySchlong on 2008-12-30 20:23:28
Please watch your language. My kids are vivid readers, I do wish your articles would have less swear words. Thank you much!
I agree... BUT
Commented By: jgr on 2008-12-30 20:25:21
Twilight is missing from your list. I loved the book, but the movie was so bad, I was laughing at parts that shouldn't have been funny. The entire thing was one big joke, and Kristen Stewart shouldn't be aloud to act, because she fails miserably at every role she gets.

on 2008-12-30 20:29:29
Babylon AD, absolutely worst movie I've ever seen.
WTF!
on 2008-12-30 20:33:58
WTF HOW IS THAT CHIHUAHUA MOVIE NOT #1 and #1 and #10 shouldnt be on there...
Where is Disaster Movie?
Commented By: Mert on 2008-12-30 20:51:27
are you daft, why the hell didn't you put it there? That movie should be criticised to the full and the director killed if he attempts to write a script again
Extend it to 50 crappy movies
Commented By: Mert on 2008-12-30 20:54:01
Hollywood brought a truck load of shit to the theaters this year.
Guys
Commented By: El Guapo on 2008-12-30 20:56:20
lol. The list is strictly movies I've both seen AND reviewed. That's why when you click on the poster, the review is there to back up why I hated the movie. Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans didn't make it because I can't get more than 15 minutes into those films before turning them off. Twilight I've never seen, or Beverly Hills Chihuahua, The Spirit, Sex and the City or the 5 million direct to dvd movies that came out this year. Even as a reviewer, I can't catch every flick that comes out.
G-g-gay
Commented By: Anonymous Delivers on 2008-12-30 21:00:35
Fuck you to the person who has kids that read this shit. Don't let kids read this fucking website you fuck. Anyhow, Twilight is definately the worst movie I've seen this year. I didn't see the Happening, but I wouldn't doubt if it really is shitty. However, you should watch the Village again OP. It's really not that bad.
2008 wasn\'t a good year in hollywood
Commented By: Kash on 2008-12-30 21:34:35
It should be top 200, The happening shouldnt even qualify as a novie
Lol
Commented By: Andrew McFuckin Wilson on 2008-12-31 00:00:17
Please watch your language. My kids are vivid readers, I do wish your articles would have less swear words. Thank you much! Author: ----DonkeySchlong ------
WTF?
Commented By: megs on 2008-12-31 02:45:19
jeez why did you bother with any of these pieces of shit in teh first place...surely you KNEW
Madagascar
Commented By: Brian on 2008-12-31 06:45:12
Call me crazy, but I enjoyed Madagascar 2. I really didn't expect much and my daughter enjoyed it, and I thought it was pretty funny.
...
Commented By: TJ on 2008-12-31 07:54:00
I might just make a Top 10 list of the worst articles and reviews I've seen this year, and put your's at the top.

on 2008-12-31 08:32:39
i fell asleep in the happening
\"Get Smart\"
Commented By: paxalot on 2008-12-31 08:52:27
I can't believe you left out Get Smart. The worst dialogue ever and an insult to the TV series.

on 2008-12-31 09:08:37
ermm 21 wasn't that bad... also the worst one was "Disaster Movie" ..
FUCK THIS BULLSHITSHIT!
Commented By: jesus christ on 2008-12-31 09:22:35
this is complet bullshit transporter3 is fucking awsome! go fuck yourself
2008 shit movies
Commented By: Jordan KO on 2008-12-31 16:29:26
the happening, max. payne, zohan, jumper, saw 5, indy 4, cloverfield, the strangers, and im sure theres more

Commented By: Problem on 2008-12-31 17:45:24
i´ve never seen anything worse than got so much money and have such a terrible scenery. i´m talking about fucking Happening ! And 21 was not that bad i have to say..
Pure shit for sure
Commented By: Bob Campbell on 2009-01-01 08:41:18
Most of your reviews were "right on." but heck, I love 21.. it was a good flick.. thank you very much..
The Happening
Commented By: Bob Great on 2009-01-02 00:19:05
It was bad, but entertaining as fuck at the same time. It takes itself so seriously, I was laughing my ass off when they focused on the tear in Leguizamo's Jeep canvas roof haha.
One more...
Commented By: Anna Substream on 2009-01-04 16:37:18
Burn after reading...Cohen brothers you won be back. Five more from us: http://beta.thesubstream.com/node/133
oops
Commented By: Anna Substream on 2009-01-04 16:42:47
that shoulda been a fave but since we're on the subject of crappies, please give sex and the city the top spot. Greatly obliged.

Commented By: daksh on 2009-01-06 00:09:53
21 was a grat movie ...... even madagaskar was a laughing stock ... rest r all duds ...... thx for sharing
woah
Commented By: gooso on 2009-01-07 12:08:59
wow! total fuck up! madagascar 2 is up there and not max payne?! not guy, downgrade.
lfjero
Commented By: dgjdlfj on 2009-01-20 02:19:58
Don't forget the dark knight- if you think abou it, it doesn't make sense.
exquisite
Commented By: attak on 2009-01-21 13:21:23
Man, you and your list totally rock! I usually do not write any comments on forums, yet you inspired me. I entirely agree with your list and your ironic style. especially with the first pick. I am glad that there are still people who do not let themselves be blinded by the 'unexpected twitsts' of M. Night. that guy managed to make me hate even his first film, the sixth sense. of course there are some other contenders which must be included in this list, such as Righteous Kill (starring my former favorite actor Al PAcino- what happened to that genius???). thanks again for your witty style and keep up the good work!
Forgot one
Commented By: FalconFail on 2009-01-23 21:15:12
Did you see The Spirit : /
Forgot one
Commented By: FalconFail on 2009-01-23 21:16:47
Whoops. Didn't see it there. Yeah it was terrible. I thought it had potential..but no...
shut your mouths
Commented By: wonder man on 2009-01-31 13:37:45
if you have so much time to critisize all these movies then why don't you try making a movie your self because i think that some of these movies were pretty good and they were going to be as good as they were just because their is no way to get better with out having something to compare the movie to!!! worst movie would have to be sex and the shity!!