EXCLUSIVE: Future El Guapo Reviews Spider-Man 6!
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By George 'El Guapo' Roush on
December 10, 2009
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I get a lot of strange e-mails, but none stranger than the one I received this morning. At first I thought it was some reader who was going to tell me what a horrible writer I am, or how I killed their grandfather. You know, the usual fan mail. But this was pretty strange.
Apparently, my future self decided to e-mail me. I guess I reviewed Spider-Man 6 and wanted my past self (me in the present) to post it. I have no idea why I would do that. Then again, I'm probably just as stupid in the future as I am now.
So readers, here is an exclusive review of Spider-Man 6 from yours truly.
May 9th, 2014
Hey Dude,
It's me, George. Yes, you. Future you. I know, it's kind of shocking that I would be e-mailing you, especially to your Latinoreview address. Good news about that is, you're still employed and running the website. Kellvin and Mayimbe have gone on to making fantasy porn films and now live in castles in Scotland. Bad news? You still suck as an online writer. Sorry man, I just haven't had time for school. But you did get a faster Z than the one you have now and that genital rash finally cleared up! Awesome, right? Also, you have a lot, and I mean A LOT of gray hair now. 43 has not been kind to you. Oh, and you got off on a technicality. Which reminds me...make sure he's completely dead before throwing him in that lake. Ok? K. One more thing, I lost your future son. Soooo...you might wanna build like, a fence or something. Or stop napping during the day when he's home. His name is Lamont Suzuki. Don't ask.
Anyways, I saw Spider-Man 6 and thought I'd send you, me, the exclusive review! I'll try not to post too many spoilers because it's going up on my time too. And readers can now take away Rungo points if they don't like your writing. You'll learn about Rungo points in a couple years.
****DISCLAIMER**** (yes, you still do this lame intro) This review is for entertainment purposes only. I really hope our Mexican president was kidding when he said he was tearing down the wall and putting in moving walkways between Mexico and the U.S.
At the end of Spider-Man 5, Spidey (Shia LaBeouf) fought Carnage (Danny Bonadouche) and barely won thanks to the help of Mary Jane Watson's (Kristen Stewart) new persona, The Red Devil. If you'll recall she was turned into a superhero by The Rose (Robert Pattinson) at the end of Spider-Man 4, but became good in SP 5 when Peter convinced her to help him defeat Carnage, Black Fox (Robert Duvall), his daughter The Black Cat (Megan Fox) and Spot (Orlando Bloom).
Spider-Man 6 (now shot in 3.5D HOLOMAX) starts off with a bang. Director Chris Wietz, fresh off of his success with Breaking Dawn and All About Steve 2, has taken over for Michael Bay. Chris wanted to bring a "fresh, new take that focuses on the characters" to Spider-Man, pretty much repeating what all the other directors have said except for Bay who wanted his Spider-Man to be as if, "You just came from having eye sex with your favorite super heroes." Which I guess fit Spider-Man 5 because none of the female characters wore a lot of clothing and for some reason the military was heavily involved in Peter Parker's college courses. There was also a sweeping 360 shot of Aunt May on the toilet looking up at the ceiling after learning that Doc Ock was alive. There was horn music playing in the background too. That scene really, really confused me.
Ok, back to Spidey (now played by Michael Cera), he's still married to Mary Jane Watson (now played by newcomer Adiel Hublimanchpranmima), who has abandoned her life as a super hero to focus on becoming a model. She's also auditioned for United States Idol and sings...I think three songs in the film. All of them sucked. Peter's life has been somewhat hectic now that Norman Osborn (still Willem Dafoe) came back from the dead and is once again The Green Goblin. Only this time he's teamed up with madman The Hobgoblin (Bradley Cooper) and The KnobGoblin (Glenn Beck). The first act is mostly Spider-Man fighting the three Goblins. He almost loses, but Zombie Wolverine arrives (you'll have to see 5 to know what's going on with that. Michael Bay destroyed this franchise) and helps out Spidey. With the new "Zoom Master" technology, Wietz takes the camera inside the fight. Unfortunately, Chris isn't very good with a camera and there were too many crotch shots of Spidey while he was swinging.
The second act deals with Peter and Mary Jane's marriage being on the rocks. Peter has been hanging out with Betty Brant after hours from The Daily Bugle. Betty feels close to Peter when he shoved her out of the way from an incoming Electro attack at the beginning of Spider-Man 5. Since then, they've been good buddies, until one day Betty leaned in for a kiss. And Peter didn't lean back from her advances. Actually he couldn't because he was against the wall, so technically he didn't return the kiss. Too bad for him, Mary Jane Watson was driving back from her performance in the Cirque de Soleil and saw them kissing. Peter, now ashamed, has been trying to tell Mary Jane that it meant nothing. Peter moves back in with his Aunt May (Ellen DeGeneres), who offers advice on how to save his marriage. Peter then woos Mary Jane back and she forgives him, but not before telling Peter she hooked up with Flash Thompson (Garrett Hedlund) while he was with his Aunt May. Peter is about to leave Mary Jane for good, when The Vulture (Burt Reynolds) returns and kidnaps Mary Jane! What a shock!
 Exclusive image!
The Vulture has now teamed up with The Sinister Twelve consisting of Vulture (Burt), Sandman (Derek Jeter), Electro (Bob Sagat), Chameleon (Christoph Waltz), Hydro-Man (Eric Bana), Shocker (Woody Harrelson), Hammerhead (Jay Leno), Boomerang (Steve Carell), Rhino (John Cena), Venom (Jessie Eisenberg), Doc Ock (James Cromwell) and Tombstone (Jeremy Pivet). Not a big fan of the casting here, I think they went with some odd choices. Mary Jane is being held captive and Spidey is on his own. Can he beat the odds?? The third act is complete and utter mayhem. I don't think Chris Weitz is able to handle all of the action he wants us to witness on screen. Sometimes punches are being thrown at Spider-Man, and because Chris isn't that handy with a camera, we don't always see Spidey in the actual shot. There was one scene where it looked like Rhino was going to impale Spider-Man, but he ran out of frame and we never saw him again. Where did he go? Did he just keep charging down 51st Street? Electro and Shocker ended up shocking each other accidentally when Hydro-Man decided to splash on top of them while they were fighting Spider-Man. And all Burt did as The Vulture was sit on top of a building and look around.
Absolute anarchy at the end of Spider-Man 6.
Things heated up when Venom and Tombstone both managed to hit Spider-Man at the same time and almost knock him out. Michael Cera did an ok job as Peter Parker but he kind of screams like a little girl when he gets hit. Doesn't really feel like Spidey to me. And his sense of humor went from, "Now you're all wet Hydro-Man!!" to, "Oh, I see. Water. Ya, not exactly wearing my bathing suit cause it's winter. But you're water so...kind of awkward..." There's a ton of action in Spider-Man 6 but it's shot so poorly that I wonder how they were even able to cut together a useable print. Christ, the image above me looks like it was poorly Photoshopped from an old 9-11 photo. I just think they got lazy when it came to this installment of Spider-Man and there were just too many villains. I also hated the relationship plot. And this makes six movies in a row where Mary Jane is captured. Seriously? Six? I think this might be the last Spider-Man movie though because there's been talk last nine months of moving away from Spidey and focusing on Power Pack and Dazzler. Since this film cost $850 million dollars to make, it's going to need at least 21 days to make its money back at $45 a movie ticket. I hope they give up on super hero movies for a while. After the disasterous Ghost Rider 2 where Nicolas Cage fights and defeats Mephisto with his bare hands, and he's doing it as Johnny Blaze and not as Ghost Rider, I think it's time Hollywood took a break from comic books. And seriously, enough with the artsy flip book movies in black and white that have no dialogue. It was cute back in 2012 when Cameron did it and now everyone is biting off his work. RATING: D+Alright dude, I gotta go. I hope you and your readers enjoyed this future review of Spider-Man 6. Who knows? I might send you reviews of other future films from time to time. Soon as I can find that stupid kid of ours... Later, You. I mean me.
In the future, nobody bothers to
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