Is that not sweet? Holy shit! Pun! Anyways, what was I talking about? I know I can get sidetracked by my great life, so I apologize for that. I know you dudes are probably reading this on your lunch break and I don't want "the man" yelling a you to hurry up and finish weed wacking the side section of that guy's backyard. F the man!
So ya, this magazine in England or Britain or whatever that country is that has the old queen, asked producer Joe Gatta about Conan. I remember when they asked me about Conan a long time ago. At first I wasn't sure what they were saying, because they spoke a really stupid form of English. They go, "Right, so who buggered off about that Conan lilly, mate?" I just started laughing so hard. Then they go, "Is he taking the piss out of this interview?" and I lost my shit and was on the floor. Man, you British guys are way out there with your pissing and drinking tea and eating crumpets and shit. I need to buy you fuckers a pizza or something.
You can't see me because I'm buried under this mound of pussy.
Anyways, I responded the best way I knew how. WITH ABSOLUTE CONVICTION.
But Joe Gatta told them I wasn't doing Conan? Cracka what? For reals, yo. Check it out:
Empire magazine spoke to Conan and Red Sonja producer Joe Gatta today, and he had a few revelations to share about the upcoming films. Most importantly, it appears that Brett Ratner is currently off Conan, which he was expected to direct.
"We’re currently in the process of hiring a director," he told us. "For the past six months we were discussing the movie with Brett Ratner, and for more timing issues than anything else we had to part ways with Brett. We all wanted him to do it, believe me; just the timing didn’t work. But you never know what can happen."
What the fuck? I was in Greece with like 7 playmates and my yacht ran out of gas in the middle of the ocean. All we had to survive on was champagne, caviar, and a six months supply of condoms. It was horrible! Man, Hollywood sucks.
Hugh Hefner? Total homo compared to me.
First off, nobody parts ways with Brett Ratner. Brett Ratner parts ways with you. I got more juice in this town than a fucking Kool-Aid factory. You understand me Joe Gatta? You want me off Conan? You want your project to not include awesome fights, tons of hot bitches, a really cool soundtrack by Evanescence, kung fu fight scenes and that patented Ratner camera work?
Then burn in hell! All of you! Bret Ratner doesn't need you or Conan. In fact, I'm gonna make my own barbarian movie called Ronan and kick the shit out of your movie! I'm gonna double, nay, triple the body count! I'll make my barbarian so bad ass even his penis can hold a sword. Ya...ya, I can see it now...Ronan the Barbarian. All it takes is one phone call and this shit is written, cast and shot. Within three days this fucker will be showing in no less than 2,500 screens. Motherfuckers.
Anyways, I guess that's what's going on. You can read the rest of the bullshit
HERE.
But what about me? I know you guys are worried but you shouldn't be. My brain's working harder than an elementary school filled with retards in a science class. I got shit in the pipeline, don't you worry. I have Beverly Hills Cop and Youngblood and all kinds of cool shit. BRETT RATNER ALWAYS COMES THROUGH. ALWAYS.
IN. YOUR. FACE.
Alright, my bruthas. I'm out. I've vented long enough and I need to go back to finishing the half pipe I built in between my two Olympic sized pools. It's not easy being Brett Ratner, but I can't really complain. There's nobody else on God's green Earth that can do what I do.
I want to thank my close and personal best friend George "El Guapo" Roush for allowing me to update all of you super fantastic bad ass Latinoreview readers. I love each and every one of you.
See you in hell, Conan!
Don't be stupid like these producers! Be sure to
