How Do Hollywood Celebrities Celebrate The 4th Of July?
By George 'El Guapo' Roush on
July 04, 2009
We here at Latinoreview want to wish all of our readers a safe and happy 4th of July. By happy we mean getting so drunk that sticking the end of a bottle rocket in the crack of your butt and lighting it seemed like a great idea when your older asshole cousin dared you to do it in front of the family.
By safe we mean not getting arrested, because bailing someone out of jail is a real inconvenience.
I'll probably do this year what I do every year. Go to the local high school, play some Frisbee, drink some beers, do some heroin, coke and Vicodin and watch the fireworks. Probably not in that order.
But how do the celebrities celebrate this spectacular holiday? Using my contacts deep within the bowels of Hollywood, I rounded up some random celebrities and asked what they do for the 4th of July:
Megan Fox: "Probably ask for some makeup and then eat the turkey. But I only like white meat because dark people are disgusting."
George Lucas: "I start by building a giant Death Star around October, then come July I put all of your childhood memories into it and have some employees dressed as Jar-Jar Binks blow the shit out of it while I look down from my office and laugh maniacally in my Darth Maul pajamas."
Michael Bay: "I'll usually buy an island, put cardboard standees of Will Smith, Bruce Willis in an astronaut outfit, the Transformers and just blow the entire fucking island up. I'll film it from an adjacent island, put on some war paint and do a rain dance while naked. Oh, you asked what I'm doing for the 4th of July? Sorry, I thought you asked what I do on Tuesdays."
Paris Hilton: "Blow someone. I mean blow something up...why you would ask me such a trick question?"
Spencer: "We're just going to lay on the beach and pretend nobody is taking our picture as I dry hump my wife." Heidi: "Oh my God, which beach are we going to?"
M. Night Shymulchinyourgarden: "Well, I'm too busy making my latest movie called The Last Goofybender. Plus fireworks are bright and coloful and if you've seen my last three movies, you'll know I refuse to partake in anything fun."
Samuel L. Jackson: "Shiiiiit. I'm gonna blow up some mothafukkin' fireworks, then yell obscenities at stupid fucking white people like you for asking me such a stupid muthafukkin' question."
Sarah Palin: "Well, now let's not get too crazy about the holiday. You know, we don't want to think that the full court press is going to breach the defenses of our national security! So it's with a heavy heart that I step down and rethink my career goals before trying to finish this shopping list at Target. Everytime a firework explodes an angel loses its wings and this country can't afford that type of slaughter of our angelic guardians."
Matthew McConaughy: "Shit man. I'll probably just hang out, you know. Hold the baby in one hand and a joint in the other. You know, I'm not even sure where I put that kid...HAHAHAHAHAHA! I remember holding him while wanting to warm up this Pop-Tart and...wait, this Pop-Tart is cold...........................I gotta go."
No matter what fireworks display you watch tonight, it cannot compare to the awesome fireworks display that oil money can buy. F starving people, we just opened a hotel!
Kellvin, El Mayimbe, Edgar, Genevieve, Ron and I wish you all a Happy 4th!
