Crank

Reviewed by: - 12.13.05

Yo! The most Dangerous Dominican in Los Angeles and the net's ELITEST script reviewer EL MAYIMBE here!

I wasn't even planning on doing a script review but folks, I just read me one of the kinkiest scripts out there - the upcoming Jason Statham flick 'CRANK'!

Man does this script have some hairy cojones yo! A high-octane thriller in the vein of SPEED but even more intense! I pulled aside Crank to go with my nightly read and was hooked. This script is as dope and kinky as SHOOT 'EM UP. Cool as hell. I had to share with you, my readers, on what will for sure be a winner and moneymaker for Lion's Gate when they release it next year. The $15 million flick is currently shooting in Los Angeles. The script is no joke folks. The writers, Neveldine and Taylor for sure were on speed when they wrote this fuckin' thing. Balls to the wall hung high gung ho writing here people! 103 pages of entertainment. Man are the liberals gonna have a field day with this when it comes out. The script should really be called Grand Theft Auto: Los Angeles.

So what is it about?

SPEED IN A HUMAN BODY!

Jason Statham plays CHEV CHELIOS, a hitman, who in the beginning is poisoned with 'The Beijing Cocktail' by a punk ass named RICKY VERONA (played by newcomer Jose Pablo Cantillo). The Beijing cocktail is very nasty, it works on your adrenal gland, blocking your receptors. The only way to slow it down is to keep the flow of adrenaline constant. The flow of adrenaline is what keeps Chev alive. So everything that you can imagine that raises the adrenaline level, this fucker Chev does! That is what makes Crank entertaining as hell. It is also funny as shit! I was rolling as Chev gets into one hairball situation after another. I don't even know how it is humanly possible for this guy to keep his heart rate up the whole day but that is what makes this script fun. With all the critics giving nominations and attention to these lame boring ass movies it is refreshing to read something like Crank.

Here is a preview.

Chev wakes up in his living room at the get go, feels like shit, watches a video tape of Verona informing Chev of his fucked up situation and we are off to the races. Chev ram sacks his apartment, totals his neighbor's $80,000 sports car on his way out of his apartment complex in his Audi and speed demons towards Inglewood. He enters the BLACK SABBATH CLUBHOUSE (a Black Biker gang hangout) looking for ORLANDO who might know where Verona is. Only Chev enters GUN DRAWN on Orlando in front his boys! Mexican standoff. Chev gets some info from Orlando. Chev is starting to get weak and his adrenaline is starting to wear off so he gets Orlando to hook him up with cocaine! Very clever! A movie hero tough guy who actually needs to snort cocaine to stay alive! Only the coke isn't working so what does Chev do? He picks a fight with the 8 or 10 brothers in there and gets into a saloon fight! Damn! Chev escapes and finally hooks up on the phone with his doctor who was away in Las Vegas banging whores. Chev barrels into the Fox Hills shopping mall while being chased by cops. A really cool car chase scene inside a mall. While this is going on, DOC MILES informs Chev of his situation and that Chev has to keep constantly moving or else he dies. Chev can't stop. Doc Miles is flying back to LA and will be there in an hour. Chev ditches the ride at an escalator after a crash, escapes into a men's clothing store and manages to make it outside and gets in a cab driven by a Pakistani. They stop at the local 7 -11 and Chev sticks the place up (as in one of the 2 pictures we have here) and loads up on Jolt, Coke, Red Bull, and Starbucks Frappuccino’s and that is only just the 1st 24 pages of this crazy ass script people!

The other picture we have is from page 49 when Chev barely escapes from the hospital. He carjacks a cop on a motorcycle! LOL! Where Chev crashes the motorcycle next is funny! I'm telling you, Grand Theft Auto: Los Angeles at the movie screens next year folks! If good old-fashioned mayhem and a rowdy good time at the movies is your thing and not Brokeback Mountain then check this motherfucker out when it blazes next year at the theatre!

You won't be disappointed and this for certain makes Statham a uberstar!

Man I can't wait.

Hasta el proximo capitulo...

YO SOY EL MAYIMBE!

mayimbe@latinoreview.com