El Mayimbe here with another dope script review! This week we
look at, in my opinion, the hottest and COOLEST script of 2005!
The high octane SHOOT 'EM UP by Michael Davis.
Damn what a hot script! This shit
is Quentin Tarantino Reservoir Dogs violent and cool! Guy Ritchie’s
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels cool!
The animatic alone should stand
on it's own. It is one of the better short films. I hope they
include it on the DVD. I would call it John Woo's stick figure
theater.
So what is Shoot 'Em Up about?
Lets get it right from the Director's mouth:
SHOOT 'EM UP starts literally
in the middle of a gun battle where the hero, Mr. Smith, is delivering
a baby in the middle of a gunfight. The mom dies but the infant
lives. He thinks the assassins were after the mother, but he soon
discovers the baby is the target. Mr. Smith must uncover the reason
why this newborn is the target to save the kid's life and his
own. Mr. Smith is the angriest man in the world and is the worst
person in the world to take care of the kid. He is near homeless.
He takes the baby to a prostitute that services men with a lactation/mommy
fetish. He calls her DQ, short for Dairy Queen. She’s the
perfect heroine to help him.
The three form a makeshift
family while on the run ands under fire. Every possible cool thing
you can do with a shoot out is explore in this relentless- RUN-LOLA-RUN
with a gun-like story. It also has a strong anti-establishment
angle that I like. It combines influences of the Hollywood action
film and American Indie films, along with a big dose of world
cinema, mainly the Hong Kong action films.
Pretty cool huh?
The script is a lean and mean
102 pages. It is relentless. Once it starts, it never lets down.
Also the first script I have ever read where the action and the
description are only one line, barely two. A lot of sentence fragments.
I like Davis' writing style; he doesn't tell you what is happening,
what has happened, or what is going to happen -- but simply what
happens. This script is all plot, plot, plot, and plot.
The hero, MR. SMITH, is one badass
mofo from the Pulp Fiction Sam Jackson Jules School of badass
mofos. Clive Owen will own your ass next year when he comes out
in this. Finally, the absolutely perfect vehicle for him. Mr.
Smith is also a sarconically funny bastard. The script had me
rolling.
Lets take a look at the lean writing
style and meet MR. SMITH from the 1st 3 pages of this awesome
script.
FADE IN:
As the HARDBOILED LONER guides
the baby's head from its MOTHER'S womb, he fires the Walther at
the THREE GUNMEN spraying bullets at them.
MR.
SMITH
Come on, push, dammit, push...
Only the night and a derelict
car IN THE ALLEY provide cover.
But not for long.
The assassins race to forward
positions.
A stray bullet smashes the windshield.
The mother screams in pain of
giving birth.
And she screams in fear of the
professional killers.
The loner, MR. SMITH, talks to
the mother to calm her and himself.
MR.
SMITH
You know what I hate?
Mr. Smith sees the FIRST GUNMAN
dive behind a dumpster.
The assassin is some dip-shit
with a ponytail.
MR.
SMITH
I hate these forty-year-old jack-holes wearing ponytails.
The mother's knees are raised
for delivery.
He steadies the barrel of the
Walther on the mother's raised knee.
MR.
SMITH
You're not fooling anyone, grandpa. That ponytail doesn't make
you look hip or young or cool.
Mr. Smith aims.
MR.
SMITH
Come to think of it. If you have a ponytail, that makes your head
a horse's ass.
He fires.
The pony tailed dip-shit gunman
cries his last cry.
The baby cries his first cry.
The child is almost out of the
womb.
The mother is in hysterics.
Mr. Smith remains calm.
And grim.
The SECOND GUNMAN scrambles to
a doorway position and shoots.
The gunman anxiously gnaws on
chewing gum.
MR
SMITH
You know what else I hate? People who chew gum with their mouths
open. It makes such an annoying sound.
The Second Gunman kneels to reload...
...exposing his flank to Smith's
aim.
Smith's shoots the man in the
butt.
The killer falls on his big, bloody
ass.
MR.
SMITH
How do you like that, Bazooka Joe?
The baby is finally out of the
woman's belly.
GUNMAN THREE, the leader, calls
for backup on his cell phone.
MR.
SMITH
And these damn cell phones. If you have something important to
say to me, take the time to sit down and talk to me on a real
phone...
Mr. Smith cuts the umbilical cord
with a shard of glass.
The hot barrel of the gun sterilizes
the infant's belly button.
Mr. Smith raises the Walther again.
MR.
SMITH
Sorry pal, I don't have time to wait for you to get brain cancer
from the electro-magnetic field created by your phone.
Click!
Damn, the Walther JAMS...
MR.
SMITH
Hell's bells, we are permanently screwed.
Pretty cool, huh? Who is after
Mr. Smith? Apparently some wise ass named HERTZ. Lets meet him.
The Third Gunman, known to his
comrades as HERTZ, laughs.
HERTZ
Bravo, Mr. Hero. Bravo.
MR.
SMITH
Why are you trying to kill this woman?
Hertz just chuckles.
MR.
SMITH
What's so funny?
HERTZ
I was just remembering a limerick: There once was a woman who
was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
She said it was fun in the breeding.... But hell in the feeding...
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
Mr. Smith doesn't find it funny
and raises the gun.
HERTZ
You have caused me a great deal of trouble. Now, I shall return
the favor. Tit for tat.
Hertz glances out of the window.
Outside, a HALF DOZEN OF Hertz's
MEN storm the building.
Mr. Smith sees them too.
He takes aim at one of the storm
troopers.
Pulls the trigger of the Glock
9mm.
Nothing.
HERTZ
(re. gun)
It's the latest thing. The gun will only fire when it recognizes
the fingerprint of the owner. It makes firearms safer and it cuts
down on crime.
More trouble for our hero who
manages to escape into the subway. He tussles with yet another
goon who is after him in the men's room of a subway platform.
This goon is known for now as LONE MAN.
Later, and from one of the cool
sequences from the animatic short, Smith walks into a park.
EXT. A PARK -- MORNING
Mothers push strollers.
Nannies watch toddlers.
Fathers play ball with their sons.
It's as good a place as any.
Mr. Smith marches stoically across
the park.
He hides the baby in his overcoat.
Hopes he muffles the baby's cries.
MR.
SMITH
It's going to be okay, kid.
Mr. Smith sits on a Jr. Merry-Go-Round.
It's the kind of merry-go-round
that kids can push themselves.
No children are around at the
moment.
MR.
SMITH
You'll be better off with this Abercrombie and Fitch crowd. I'm
too Salvation Army for you.
Mr. Smith sets the baby down.
The baby cries as Smith leaves.
MR.
SMITH
Don't worry. Someone will find you.
Smith
walks away.
Stoic.
Munches another carrot for keen
eyesight.
He's halfway across the park when
something makes him turn.
A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN walks
towards the merry-go-round.
Her arms are outstretched for
the child.
She's a perfect Good Housekeeping
mother.
Mr. Smith smiles.
MR.
SMITH
I hardly knew ye, Junior.
Just as Mrs. Good Housekeeping
reaches the infant, she tumbles.
She hasn't fallen, she crossed
the line of fire of a SNIPER!
She's taken a shot intended for
the baby.
MR.
SMITH
Sweet leaping Jesus!
Mr.
Smith spies the sniper on the roof.
Too far...no way can he take the
man out with just his pistol.
The sniper has a clear shot again.
He lines the baby up in the cross
hairs.
His finger tightens on the trigger.
Mr. Smith draws his Walther...shoots.
His shot hits the steel handrail
welded to the merry-go-round.
The impact causes the merry-go-round
to spin.
And the baby to move...and the
sniper shot to miss!
The sniper lines up another shot
as the baby slowly spins.
On the run, Mr. Smith pumps off
shot after shot.
Each bullet hits another steel
handrail.
This causes the merry-go-round
to spin faster and faster.
The sniper can't get a shot at
the baby.
Mr. Smith reaches the merry-go-round.
He times it so that the baby spins
right towards his hand.
Smith scoops up the child and
runs.
Later, Mr. Smith walks into a
brownstone full of kinky hoes. In one room a DOMANITRIX wraps
a NAKED MAN in plastic wrap, in another room a GIRL DRESSED AS
A NUN humps a OLDER MAN and in the far room a MAN IN DIAPERS sucks
on the breast of a woman.
Mr. Smith bogarts himself into
the far room and we get one of the coolest heroine/sidekick introductions
ever...
INT.
FAR ROOM --SAME TIME
Mr. Smith pulls the man off the
woman's nipple.
MR.
SMITH
The bar is closed, pal.
The woman, DQ, is unruffled.
DQ
Wait your turn, Smith. There's plenty to go around.
MR.
SMITH
No thanks, I'm lactose intolerant.
DQ
You look it.
DQ's customer gathers his clothes
and scrams out of the room.
DQ
Why are you here?
Mr. Smith pulls out the baby.
DQ
Oooh. Kinky.
MR.
SMITH
It's nothing like that, DQ.
DQ puts on her robe.
MR.
SMITH
I want you to take care of this baby for a while.
DQ
This is not a child care center. The only butts I wipe and diaper
are fifty years old and pay cash.
MR.
SMITH
I brought my milk money.
He holds up a roll of fifty-dollar
bills.
MR.
SMITH
It's five G's. That should be enough to keep you off your back
for two weeks, DQ.
DQ
thinks about it.
MR.
SMITH
Are you clean?
DQ
You know I'm a good girl scout. I got my new merit badge just
last week.
MR.
SMITH
So, you'll do it.
DQ
Forget it, Smith. For all I know, you snatched the kid. I don't
want to be accessory for kidnapping.
MR.
SMITH
Come on. It's been a long time since you made Park Avenue money.
DQ
I've given up the risky stuff. The johns that have a lactating
mother fetish are never into any roughhousing.
MR.
SMITH
I didn't pinch the kid. Trust me.
DQ
Trust you? I don't even know your real name. Who are you really,
Smith?
MR.
SMITH
I'm a British nanny and I'm dangerous.
DQ
Go jerk off with sand paper, Smith.
MR.
SMITH
Why don't you sit on a juicer, DQ?
Mr. Smith plunks the baby onto
DQ's lap.
MR.
SMITH
Okay, just take the kid for a day. You can keep the whole roll.
The baby finds DQ's nipple.
For a moment, tenderness crosses
DQ's face.
She suddenly turns cold.
She hands the baby back to Mr.
Smith.
DQ
Forget it, dad.
MR.
SMITH
No worries. I can find another Dairy Queen.
Now
is that an introduction or what?! There are plenty more funny
moments like this riddled throughout the script. Mr. Smith, DQ,
and the baby get in and out of one jam right after the other.
The body count is friggin' huge. I can see why this is considered
--
Smith dives on his belly and fires
at TWO MORE GUN MEN.
As he shoots, the baby's smooth
head rubs up against Smith's cheek.
The next two gunmen die with a
splatter of crimson.
A shoot out that is John Woo’s
wet dream ensues.
Not only is this considered John
Woo's wet dream, but because of the ballet of bullets and all
the gunplay -- this script is also -- as Mr. Smith says so himself
on page 63 --
INT. INVENTORY AND SHIPPING
AREA -- SAME TIME
The entire line of Hammer weapons
are stored in this CAGED AREA.
MR.
SMITH
(Under his breath)
Charleton Heston’s wet dream.
So
we got Charleton Heston's wet dream plus John Woo's wet dream
all in the same movie to start shooting next year. Damn!
On page 62 we finally find out
who Mr. Smith is and he makes James Bond look like a pussy. Why
Mr. Smith does what he does and his back-story are presented nicely
and feels organic. Why the goons are after the baby also pays
off. The action doesn't get repetitive and is so damn original.
There is a car chase/car collision shootout scene that is in the
animatic. There is a parachute out of a plane/exploding Good Year
Blimp shootout in midair that is so damn cool. There is also a
showdown in some Times Square gun themed restaurant. Like I said,
the action is relentless. This script is what it is. An all out
ultra violent balls to the wall action shoot ‘em up movie.
It's loud and it's very lewd.
No way in hell this gets a PG-13 and it is comforting to know
that New Line is going to use that Hobbit money to make this.
It is cool to know that New Line has the cojones to do this and
I congratulate them for stepping up to the plate. This could easily
be one of the highest grossing rated r movies of all time.
If this script is shot as it is
written and presented in the animatic -- then it will own your
ass and make Clive Owen uberstar. Like I knew Batman Begins would
be a classic when I read it, TRUST ME FOLKS, SHOOT 'EM UP will
be an instant classic when it comes out next year. A lot of cool
ballsy action and humor. I can't wait to see whom they cast as
DQ.
I only have a minor little beef
with the script on page 7. Here it goes --
INT. SLUM APARTMENT --
A LITTLE LATER
A door is smashed opened.
Hertz glares at the PUERTO RICAN
WOMAN and her crying baby.
The assassin and his MEN move
on to the next apartment.
The woman closes the door revealing
Mr. Smith.
He has his gun trained on the
immigrant mother and child.
A note to Mr. Davis -- Puerto
Rico is a territory of the US! Puerto Ricans are not immigrants.
But that is ok, since you wrote a kick ass piece of material,
I will forgive you for the little gaff. That is what we do here
at LatinoReview. We make sure your asses are culturally correct!
So hasta al proximo capitulo and
in line with this weeks ultra violent high octane script review
--
MR.
SMITH
MR.
SMITH
Smith
walks away.
Mr.
Smith spies the sniper on the roof.
INT.
FAR ROOM --SAME TIME
Now
is that an introduction or what?! There are plenty more funny
moments like this riddled throughout the script. Mr. Smith, DQ,
and the baby get in and out of one jam right after the other.
The body count is friggin' huge. I can see why this is considered
--
So
we got Charleton Heston's wet dream plus John Woo's wet dream
all in the same movie to start shooting next year. Damn!