Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 10.11.06

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Why is it I always get stuck reviewing the kiddie films? Is there no other reviewer writing for Latinoreview.com that is brave enough to sit through 90 minutes of middle school garbage? Or am I some sort of test pedophile monkey for those sick readers who want to know if the teenage co-star is a hot piece of elementary ass? I have no idea. All I know is I have to suffer through shit like this and give you my opinion on it. Saving the normal readers and Dateline MSNBC a ton of time and money.

Our ‘Double-O My Little Pony’ movie this week is Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker. Or as I affectionately call it, Alex Rider: Operation Patiencebreaker. Based off of one of the 500 best selling books by Anthony Horowitz, Alex Rider is a British teenage super spy sent on a mission to stop an evil billionaire from corrupting schoolchildren’s minds with a computer controlled virus. He must also cope with the death of his spy Uncle all while maintaining that British charm and immovable hairstyle.

Our story unfolds with Ewan McGregor playing Alex’s Uncle Ian Rider. Ian has been a spy for quite some time and has managed to keep it from his nephew all these years until he’s killed on a mission. Ewan manages to somehow try and make the most out of his five minutes on screen, but you can see that he’d rather be in his garage working on his motorcycles or whatever the hell former Jedi’s do in their spare time. MI6 steps in to recruit young Alex to take over his Uncle’s job and start doing crazy spy things. Alex Pettyfer makes his big screen debut as the dashing young Rider. Although he looks the part, the casting agents probably picked him because he has the same first name as his character. Don’t put it past casting agents to make goofy decisions. Orlando Bloom is still getting roles. Alex may look the part, but you can tell he’s a first timer in a feature film. He delivers his lines as if he’s speaking to a grilled cheese sandwich, and for the life of me doesn’t blink throughout the entire picture. He’s a perfect fit for a character who gets about as emotional over his Uncle’s death as I do when I’ve lost another life in Super Mario Bros. Mickey Rourke plays the villain Darrius Sayle who dresses like Andy Dick would after he’s been binge drinking on Jack and Cock. Did I say Cock? I meant Coke… Mickey Rourke at least seems to have some fun with the role. You can tell that putting on makeup and ugly outfits is just another day in the office for the former boxer who’s in ring name was The Human Punching Bag. Alicia Silverstone manages to dig up what’s left of her stardom by grabbing the role of Alex Rider’s nanny. This role was going to go to Dana Plato but since she’s dead, Alicia was the next best thing since her career is already one foot in the grave. Another small forgettable role for the former Clueless hottie who gave us males plenty of masturbatory material to use on those lonely nights when we couldn’t find any good pictures of Tia Carrere. But those days are long gone my friends. The years have been so hard on her that when she even speaks it seems as if her mouth is fighting for control over her entire face. Her lips move in more directions then a fallen stack of Jenga bricks.

The plot centers around Alex sneaking around Darrius’ big giant factory of evil. His mission is to stop Darrius from launching a virus that will infect the mind of children everywhere, killing them all or some such crazy nonsense. Alex learns how to fight like a 75th degree black belt while using a Nintendo DS as his big spy gadget. He manages to get into the complex by impersonating a contest winner who gets to meet Darrius and try out the latest computer Darrius is mass producing for all the school kids. But we all know that those computers are just plants used to spread the evil virus!! Can Alex Rider save the day? Will he be able to stop Darrius from killing millions of schoolchildren? Can he keep his school crush girlfriend from being killed? Will Sour Patch Kids ever have the correct ratio of red to yellow flavors? These are important questions that only those brave enough to watch this film will find out.

Alex Rider contains a couple of amusing scenes, a couple of fight scenes, some gun fire and nice swooping shots of whatever part of London they’re supposed to be in. Too bad the film is so dull and the characters are so dull that I just wanted it to end after 30 minutes. Director Geoffrey Sax can’t seem to get any kind of energy out of anyone on screen. That lack of energy is magically transmitted to the audience and with every passing minute they wonder which would be more painful; finishing the film or trying to shove an entire tub of popcorn up their ass.

One thing Alex Rider: Operation Longest Title Ever For A Kid’s Movie does try and do right is make this younger spy movie a little more grown up for kids then the pitiful Cody Banks movies did. They do this by letting us know that Alex Rider may possibly die. We don’t know how, but we do know that he’s always in grave danger of being killed trying to accomplish his mission. The problem I have with this trying to be grown up approach to its intended audience, is that kids nowadays have already seen grown up spy movies. Spy movies with the character of James Bond. Ask yourself this question if you were an early teen… Would you rather be watching James Bond score some poontang while fighting super baddies or watching a character like Alex Rider who’s trying to score some Clearasil while fighting his unannounced erections? I rest my case.

Keep the hate mail coming! E-mail me: george@latinoreview.com