 |
|
30 Days of Night
MPAA Rating: R for strong horror violence and language. 
Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 10.16.07****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. For an extra $5.99 you can have this review printed and laminated. It’s a safe bet to do this because I can’t guarantee its freshness if it’s left to rot on the internet.What is up with vampire movies? Vampire and zombie movies and two horror genres I’m really sick of. Every zombie movie is the same. We end up losing and there’s a few rag tag survivors left. Are humans that helpless that we can’t fight off mindless zombies? Are vampires really that scary? Does anyone even give a shit about vampires anymore? If I found out my neighbor was a vampire I doubt if I’d go all Fright Night on him. I’d probably just continue to eat my Raisin Bran and call it a day. Vampire and zombie movies are overdone and boring. Everything is overdone and boring. That’s it; I’m no longer watching movies. I’m going to start reading books again. Reading books? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wow. Glad I was just kidding! Our ‘wear a turtleneck’ review is 30 Days of Night starring everyone’s favorite vampire hunter Josh Hartnett as Sheriff Eben Oleson who, along with his estranged wife Stella (Melissa George) and a handful of others not worth giving casting credit for, are trying to survive for 30 days without the sun in a small Alaskan town. Vampires, led by Marlow (Danny Huston) aren’t in town to turn humans into vampires. They’re only in town to kill everyone and eat them. So these are monster super alien meat eating vampires then! Ok. Based off of the graphic novel of the same name, 30 Days is a gory, bloody terror filled tampon ride into the life of vampires that dress like gay New York fashion designers. We don’t get to know these vampires very well. They speak in their own language which sounds like an offshoot of Klingon, they’re very fast, and all they want to do is kill people. Ben Foster who is really underutilized in this movie is the vampires slave, doing their bidding in the hopes that they will turn him into one of them. Foster is an excellent actor and I wanted to see a bigger role than the one he got in this film. Danny Huston is also a very talented actor, but his character has fake teeth and all he does is stare at people before killing them, so I don’t think the Academy will come a callin’ for this role. Josh Hartnett also does a fine job, and he’s one of the few male actors out there who doesn’t annoy the shit out of me. Melissa George does her part, but her role could have been played by any actress out there and nobody would have noticed. There is no scene where Melissa’s clothes are ripped off and she has to fight off vampires in a bikini. Sorry, goth nerds. The relationship between Eben and Stella is never fully explored. I guess maybe their kid died or something in the past. I don’t know, and I really didn’t care that they’re married. Eben’s relationship to his younger brother was more interesting to me. But this is a vampire movie with the emphasis on vampires, so whenever a character is killed it doesn’t matter. We’re just sitting in the theater wondering if they can last 30 days or 30 minutes. 30 minutes would have been awesome, because then I could have gone home earlier. The movie starts out like any movie about people living in a remote town in Alaska would, with a breakdancing contest on the ice! Ya baby! Watch Josh serve some young Eskimo who thinks he’s got the skillz! Once Josh is done poppin’ and layin’ it down to these sucka bitches, he grabs the town ho and proceeds to bust them guts, leaving her face to look like an ice cave covered in semen stalactites. Or the movie starts out with him as sheriff trying to get everything in order before the sun sets for 30 days straight. I think the first opening would be a touch classier. Sheriff Eben is wondering why the town’s cell phones have been stolen and all of the dogs killed. He doesn’t have to wonder long because the vampire shit hits the vampire fan pretty quickly. As soon as the sun sets, the cage of leaping dentist avoiders is opened and the town is turned into an icy cold planet of people screaming “AAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!” The middle of the movie is where things bog down a bit. Scenes where the guys are holed up in an attic slows the film down and we’re left waiting for the action to pick up again. Another film that’s reaching close to two hours in length. Why, I have no idea. Save the extra shit for the DVD, I’m tired of sitting through a 120 minute movie. Since we’re not expected to care about any of these people, I’d rather not spend any more time with them than I need to. Once the vampires have cut off all the electricity in the town, the humans are stuck with trying to find ways to survive without getting caught. There isn’t a lot of tension in the movie. In fact, there aren’t really any scares either. If a character is walking towards a shadow, we know that 2 of 3 things will happen:
Horror fans who come to see blood and guts instead of scares won’t be let down. Everything from decapitating a little girl’s head to ripping out someone’s neck is on display. By the end of the first night, the town’s streets are covered in blood. A nice overhead shot of the townsfolk running around like ants as they’re being picked off was pretty cool. The look of the film had a blueish-chrome feel to it and was surprisingly done very well because it appears the filmmakers wanted to see what look would really make the blood stand out. Kudos to the sick fucks who come up with this shit. 30 Days of Night is just another horror film with no real substance to it. It’s a blood and guts party that takes place in a remote snowy town where anyone stupid enough to live in such a climate deserves to die anyway. Had Corey Haim and Corey Feldman showed up at the end of this I would have stood up and jerked off. Not jerked off to the Corey’s but to the whole past Lost Boys thing and...oh forget it. My porn name is 30 Seconds of Might. What’s yours? Write to: george@latinoreview.com
|
||||||||||||||
|
 |
