The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 07.25.08

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Don’t believe everything you read. Don’t read everything you believe. The truth is not out there unless it really is the truth which makes it not a lie.

 

X-Files Movie Report

 

FBI Case File Report # 471-34DD’s                                                         Reporting Agent:

George ‘El Guapo’ Roush

 

Logged 07-18-2008                                                                                                                  Location: Los Angeles, CA.

 

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5:37 p.m. Case begins in Burbank, CA. I must travel to Twentieth Century Fox Studios off of Pico and arrive by 7:00 p.m. Other agents are reporting traffic as congested. Either taking the 101 to the 405 or cutting through Hollywood could result in a late arrival. I opt for the freeway approach.

 

5:46 p.m. Disaster. I can already feel this was the wrong decision to make as I get on the 134 to the 101 West. Will my choice lead to undesirable consequences? Others are relying on me. I cannot fail them.

 

6:15 p.m. I just made it to the 405. Traffic is still heavy. Where do all of these people need to be? It’s stop and go traffic at this point. My speedometer has been capped at 9 miles an hour. The girl in the car to my left looks like she has Aids.

 

6:45 p.m. Still on the 405. I’m cursing Judge Doom for building his innovative but restricting freeway system. Obviously Roger Rabbit could not stop the wheels Doom set into motion before his death.

                                                                               

7:07 p.m. I barely make it in time. The guard looks at me suspiciously. Is he aware of events that I am not? I may have to question him once my initial investigation is over. For now, he sends me to one of their parking structures and gives me half ass directions to the theater. It’s a good thing I have extensive training on studio backlot mapology.

 

7:15 p.m. I had to back up and straighten out. The guy to my right parked like a total asshole. (I may have to leave the word ‘asshole’ out of this report. I hear this agency is a bit stricter than the one I’m used to.)

 

7:16 p.m. I’m lost and ask for directions.

 

7:18 p.m. It’s dark in here and the movie has just started. I try and find a seat but accidentally grab a man’s leg. I’m not sure how much he enjoyed it, but it had to have been very pleasurable.  How much have I missed? I ask a young male and he says, “Not much. They’re retired from the FBI now. Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) live together. An FBI agent was taken and they’re using a psychic priest (Billy Connolly) to try and find her.” I thank the man and move on. I can’t risk blowing my cover by sitting next to him. Besides, he smelled like Cool Ranch flavored Doritos.

 

7:20 p.m. I realize I haven’t missed much at all. Mulder is asked to help by agent Dakota Whitney (Amanda Peet) because he has experience dealing with psychics in cases. Scully meanwhile, is trying to stay away from the case, opting to stay in the medical field and try to help a dying boy in her hospital. The father overlooking the case, says the boy is a lost cause and should be moved. It’s up to God now to save him. Silly priests.

 

7:30 p.m. It is nice to see these characters once again on the big screen. I realize I have missed their adventures. Hopefully this does not make me a homosexual. I’m also hoping they actually do go on an adventure instead of asking each other, “What is it?” every five minutes.

 

7:40 p.m. Rapper Xzibit is playing an FBI agent. I realized it was him when he pimped the SUV the agents drive. Once a street whore for MTV, always a street whore. Agent Dakota Whitney cries when she sees her SUV now has a built in crime lab that folds out below the 32” plasma TV with karaoke machine.

 

8:00 p.m. The relationship between Mulder and Scully is a strange one. They’re together, yet they still only call each other by their last names. After all of these years, have they forgotten their first names? It is possible. More of the plot is revealed as another woman is kidnapped. Body parts are found under the ice a bit later with the help of the psychic. I guess burning body parts went out in the eighties. Can they track down the man responsible?

 

8:15 p.m. I’m getting restless. Not much is happening in this movie and they keep talking about ‘Believing’ and ‘Wanting to believe’ and ‘Why don’t you believe?’ The question “What are you doing here?” is asked about 40 times by various characters. A chase scene ensues between two of our FBI agents and the suspect behind the kidnappings. One person is murdered in the chase. I cannot reveal who at this time.

 

8:16 p.m. I have noticed that David Duchovney’s cheeks are so fat it looks like he’s storing chestnuts for the winter. Could this be a clue as to why we never see anyone eating on the show? But where is Gillian storing her food? If it’s not in her face or stomach it must be...oh.

 

8:20 p.m. I know this is a stand alone story, but there isn’t much punch to it. So far it feels like a made-for-TV x-files movie. I don’t even think a gun has been fired. Its weird seeing Mulder and Scully walk around without weapons. They do get in a lover’s quarrel when Scully doesn’t want Mulder to keep bringing the darkness into their lives. I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about. She works in a hospital where people die on a daily basis and she’s worried about him bumming her out? Chicks. I will have to make sure my female supervisor does not see this report.

 

8:30 p.m. An exciting car crash scene followed by more talking, investigating, then walking around. You cannot fool the FBI for long. We will track you down like the dog you are.

 

8:35 p.m. I have seen The Re-Animator already, thank you Mr. Carter.

 

8:36 p.m. I recall pictures of a werewolf mask floating around on the internet. Sites were abuzz with the notion that this film could have werewolves in it. That Mulder could be a werewolf. It is not true because that would make the film exciting to watch. This is feeling less and less like an X-Files movie and more and more like an Encyclopedia Brown adventure.

 

8:40 p.m. Confirmed. It isn’t aliens or monsters we’re dealing with. It’s a plotline so sub par I’m shocked it was greenlit. The story itself isn’t exciting at all and the third act is a let down. It appears that this movie would rather focus on the character dynamic of Mulder and Scully than bother to throw in an exciting plot device an audience would care about. No, he doesn’t find his sister stripping in some nightclub and there are no alien babies.

 

8:45 p.m. The film has ended. The message of ‘belief’ and ‘not giving up’ is pounded into your skull repeatedly. Most of the film is shot in the snow, making sure the audience stays as cold as the actors on screen. No exciting third act and I had hoped for a twist at the end but one did not come. Familiar music plays as three people politely clap. They may have been drunk.

 

8:52 p.m. On the way out I pick up a mission briefing packet from one of the agents disguised as a publicist. Inside it has a TV Guide issue with David and Gillian on the cover, a press kit cd and a DVD with eight episodes hand picked as inspirations for the movie. I will go home and watch these episodes because they appear to be much more exciting than the movie they’ve inspired.

 

9:00 p.m. That guy is still parked like an asshole. I trace a picture of my middle finger on the back of a Chinese restaurant receipt and leave it on his windshield. He won’t be parking like that anymore.

 

-End report.

 

Further questions must be directed to: george@latinoreview.com