The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 08.01.08

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Last but not least, a small pinch in between the cheek and gum will help satisfy your tobacco cravings.

 

The Mummy: A fun adventurous romp through tombs, exotic lands and magical places.

 

The Mummy Returns: A boring adventurous crawl through tombs, exotic lands and magical places.

 

The Scorpion King: A guilty pleasure where the sound effects guys loved to make every sword hit sound like a squishing grape.

 

That brings us to The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor about our now retired O’Connell husband and wife team of Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evelyn (Maria Bello), bored to death living off of their previous adventures spoils. They’re forced back into action when their son Alex (Luke Ford) discovers the tomb of the ancient Dragon Emperor (Jet Li). With the aid of brother Jonathan (John Hannah), Zi Juan (Michelle Yeoh), and Lin (Isabella Leong) the O’Connell’s are back in action on another adventure.

 

Fast and the Furious’ Rob Cohen takes over for Stephen Sommers and does his best at bringing another adventure to the big screen but there are way too many goofy spots to make it a really enjoyable adventure. One of the problems is the casting of Maria Bello. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a big fan of Maria and I love her work, but she was just horrible in this movie. I don’t know if she was trying to do her best Rachel Weisz impersonation or if she had no clue how to play the character, but she was bad. There was about as much chemistry between the leads as Al Reynolds and anything with a vagina.

"Maria, stay here while I cover your acting."

The other actors were fine, John Hannah has his character down pat and Brendan of course, does a good job. But when Maria speaks her lines in that faux British accent I wanted to punch a fat person. Actually, I want to punch a fat person anyway because it seems like they are really soft and absorbent. Jet Li seems to be finding new life playing the bad guy again and it’s a role that makes him more enjoyable to watch on screen if he’s not going to play a role like in Fist of Legend anymore.

 

The locations are pretty cool but things start taking a turn for the worse when the Yeti show up. A convenient plot device, the Yeti look like sketch designs Gary Gygax disregarded for a Monster Manual. I know the Mummy films are intended to be light hearted fare, but when they keep throwing in different dumb creatures just to throw them in (like the Pygmies in Mummy Returns), it takes away any intimacy between the characters and tombs and turns the film into creature features. One scene that had me laughing was a scene that happens a bit after the Yeti scene. Michelle Yeoh’s insistence on guarding the entrance to her secret pool of immortality is wasted when they’re not bothering to pay attention and the dragon emperor just walks right in. Oops. Also be on the lookout for the shirtless beefcake Brendan scene that made me close my eyes and think of happier things. I love ya Brendan, but now I don’t want to hang out with you at Malibu Beach. I need some time to get over this.

"Say ello to my little mummy!"

The dialogue could have used some tweaking as well. The audience is reminded every five minutes by Rick, Evelyn or Jonathan about how much they hate mummies. In chase sequences, fights, shootouts, you name it; they have to tell us that. We get it. You don’t like them. Li’s Mummy is more of a magical creature than Imhotep was, relying on turning into a dragon and controlling the elements. While he was kind of cool and the adventure took us to exotic places in Asia, I actually missed the tomb hunting adventures that happened in desert locations. Darkly lit tunnels are replaced by open environments and the battle scene at the end was just more of what we’ve seen before.

 

So let’s recap:

 

·          Brendan and rest of cast good. Maria Bad.

·          Locations good. Yeti Bad. No wait...Yeti fucking stupid.

·          Horrible dialogue.

·          Good special and visual effects.

·          Some good fight scenes.

·          Popcorn is still bad for you.

 

Hardcore fans of the series should enjoy this latest adventure despite its realm into too much of the mystical and unexplained. The end of the movie hints at returning to its roots if another Mummy adventure is greenlit. If Rob returns let’s hope he focuses less on the CGI crazy creatures and more on the script and tomb exploration. How about a female Mummy antagonist next time? I want the credit! I want the credit!

 

Explore my tomb when you e-mail: george@latinoreview.com