Red

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 08.26.08

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. I wish my neighbor’s mother-in-law would stop parking in front of my house. I thought about slashing her tires, but my neighbor is a cop and would probably shoot me. Still, I haven’t done a good ‘ol tire slashing in quite a while.

 

Brian Cox, hot off of being Brian Cox, plays retired widowed war veteran Avery Ludlow who lives a friendly existence in his friendly small town in friendly Oregon. Owner of Ludlow’s General Store (the name Wal-Mart was taken) Avery decides to go fishing one nice day with his old dog Red. Red was a gift to Avery from his wife on his 50th birthday. He loves his dog because it’s his only companion in his grossly oversized house.

 

While fishing, three obnoxious teens Danny, Harold and Pete (Noel Fisher, Kyle Gallner, Shiloh Fernandez) come around, one wielding a shotgun. For no darned good dang gum reason, Danny shoots that poor ol doggie right in the head. Avery is stunned as the boys laugh it off and walk away. Now, I know kids can be mean, but to shoot a dog in the head for no reason because you’re bored/rich/spoiled? I would say that’s a bit far fetched but kids today are jackass morons who like Michael Bay movies, so I guess they are capable of such stupid atrocities.

 

Avery ain’t havin’ none o’ this baloney and sets out to find who the boys are and set things straight. After finding out the name of the boy (Danny) who bought the shotgun (a Browning Auto 5) with his father from a gun store's sympathetic owner, he goes to visit Danny's house and talk to his father Michael McCormack. Tom Sizemore, fresh off of doing drug binges and whore fuck sprees, is back on the big screen again. He looks nothing like his Saving Private Ryan character. He actually now looks so burned out he could pass for one of the corpses on the beaches of Normandy. But he’s still a good actor and I like watching him on screen.

I just aged twenty years in the last five months. Thanks cocaine!

The two boys lie about the whole thing, despite Avery telling the father he has the gun casing and would go to the police, Michael sticks up for his boys. There’s one part I hated and that’s when Michael asks Danny if he took the Browning out. Why didn’t Avery just say, “I never mentioned the gun, and now you just proved my case.” and called the police right then and there? He said he didn’t want to involve the cops, that he would hope the boys would do the right thing and apologize, but that never happens. And Avery never goes to the police either. His lawyer tells him they would get a small fine and barely ten days in jail. I find it hard to believe that in today’s modern society and the latest in forensic scientific technology, that these boys wouldn’t be in jail within 24 hours even if they were to only get a light sentence. You know, with the footprints, fingerprint evidence, shotgun casing and evidence of the gun store selling them the gun. But what do I know, maybe they only use Toys ‘R’ Us crime kits in Oregon.

 

Attracting the attention of a news reporter (Kim Dickens, who played Joanie Stubbs on Deadwood), the story of Red’s death is featured on the news and Avery starts getting harassed by the boys. Instead of calling the police, because he believes the rich Michael McCormick to be connected all around town (fucking 80’s plotline. This isn’t Roadhouse), he starts following the boys waiting for the right time to seek justice. Even trying to get answers from one of the other boy’s father (played by Robert Englund) goes nowhere. That’s when the movie turns from a man looking for answers into an over the top action resolution movie.

Badass mother fuckers have a new spokesman. And his name is Brian Cox.

Scenes with the reporter dragged on way too long. Avery tells a back story involving his two sons and wife that makes you wonder how the man could possibly be as mentally stable as he was. The reporter for some reason, keeps hanging out with Avery because she can’t let the story go. A tender wrap up ending wants to make up for the third act, but by then it’s a bit too late since I’m no longer involved with any of the characters. I’m all for seeing Brian Cox whup that ass, but the ending just got too silly.

 

Brian Cox is of course awesome to watch on screen. You feel for his character and want the right thing to happen. And you’re happy at the end of the second act when he does get some justice with Danny on the sidewalk in front of everyone. But the faulty script decides there needs to be more and the film becomes a senior citizen’s Walking Tall. The third act is so far fetched and ridiculous; I was shocked there weren’t any re-writes. I never read the novel this story is based off of, but I hope it had a cleaner ending than its film counterpart. Let’s just say shootouts, car chases, and stupid dialogue is involved. It’s a shame because I was enjoying the movie until it became a Steven Seagal shitfest.

 

Old Yeller, Benji or Lassie? Who would win in the Octagon? Opinions can be sent to: george@latinoreview.com