The Express

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 10.01.08

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. I hate my gym. It's too crowded and it smells like how Kurt Russell would smell after banging Goldie Hawn. I may just quit the gym and get fat. It's much easier.

This week's racist movie is The Express, the true story of Ernie Davis (Rob Brown) a two time All-American running back for the fine university of Syracuse. He led them to their first national championship in 1960 and also in 1961. But in 1961 he also the first black man to win the Heisman trophy. Unlike other Heisman trophy winners, Ernie didn't get himself a white woman then kill her ass with a kitchen knife. Coached by the gruff and tough Ben Schwartzwalder (Dennis Quaid) Ernie must overcome the enormous racism that all African Americans had to face during a period in American history when crackers didn't have to put up with graffiti and Crips.

The story starts with Ernie as a youth, walking along the train tracks when he gets bullied by some peckerwood kids. Ernie's friend ditches him, leaving Ernie to face the whiteys by himself. Since Ernie ain't goin' out like no punk bitch, get used to one style and you know that he might switch, Ernie takes off like he's on PCP and smokes those white fools. Ernie now knows the path destiny has laid out for him. He must play football, and he must be good at it. His father Willie 'Pops' Davis (Charles S. Dutton) has nothing but encouragement for the boy. And when he meets the famous running back Jim Brown (Darrin DeWitt Henson), Ernie knows he can be one of the greats.

The drama is filled with the typical formula of overcoming a challenge and beating the odds. The challenge for Ernie was that every single white person on the face of the planet Earth hated black people and so he had to deal with taunting and being called the 'n' word and being told to stay on the sidelines so the white players can score touchdowns. These acts are really apparent when they play in Texas because the people in Texas took racism to a whole 'nother level. Texans are actually still racist as shit, they just learned to hide it better. By the way that's a joke, so please don't e-mail me saying how Texans aren't racist. They probably aren't, but your Dallas Cowboys can still suck a cock.

I take it back, maybe they still are racist. And they're bad spellers too.

The relationship between Ernie and his coach Ben is what drives the movie. Ben is also stuck in that sixties mindset but he's more concerned with winning games than worrying about color. He's still mindful of the world around him though. This is apparent in the scene when he tells Ernie he should avoid trying to date white women. I actually think every coach should still give their black players that speech because I'm tired of white women looking at my penis and saying, “You ain't no Tyrone, that's for damn sure.” Took me forever to figure out what they meant. But after a while, Ben becomes too protective of Ernie, not letting him become himself on the field because he's afraid he'll get hurt. It doesn't take long before they form a kind of father and son relationship and it's a nice development to watch on screen.

The movie is filled with football scenes. Thank God, because if it wasn't, The Express would be sitting on the movie theater sidelines instead of out on the field. The football scenes were shot really well and even though some of the plays were done out of order from the real games, the outcomes were the same. They also did a good job mixing in stock footage with their own.

It's a nice drama, but its formula is just like every other inspirational sports movie. Except I didn't feel very inspired by it because the movie ends with Ernie's death. Not exactly a feel good movie after reading about how the characters you just saw on screen for ninety minutes died. The acting was great, and Rob Brown is a good young actor and anything Dennis Quaid plays is ok by me. Dennis Quaid could have played the leader of the KKK and he would still draw in people because everyone likes him so much. If you like football, then The Express is a pretty good sports movie. Just don't expect anything too special. Besides, if you miss it, there's always those faggot ass Dallas Cowboy games to watch on the weekends.

Score a touchdown every time you e-mail: george@latinoreview.com