Reviewed by:
George 'El Guapo' Roush - 03.03.06
****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews
are for entertainment purposes only. And as soon as I figure out how to makes
my reviews entertaining, that first sentence may one day make sense.
Most things in life are unplanned and unpredictable. However, there are some
guarantees:
- · Bruce Willis will always play a cop or soldier.
· Real men do not rustle their popcorn. If the guy next to you is rustling
his popcorn during the movie, then punch him right in the pee-pee.
· You are all my bitches.
· James Blunt’s song “You’re Beautiful” gives
hope to all guitar playing Hollywood hacks that you too can make a sappy,
overrated piece of garbage.
· I don’t care how many Oscar nominations she receives, Reese
Witherspoon will always look like a cross between Sylvester Stallone and an
Alaskan salmon.
Rolling out of the cabbage patch this week is 16 Blocks starring everyone’s
favorite cop and soldier Bruce Willis as Jack Mosley. An aging, overweight down
on his luck police officer who must get career criminal Eddie Bunker, played
by Mos Def, to the courthouse on time to spill the beans on some dirty cops.
The role of our bad guy is played by David Morse, an actor who has starred in
numerous films yet I dare you to name one of them besides The Green Mile.
16 Blocks has a very simple plotline as mentioned above. Bruce has to escort
Mos over a range of 16 blocks to the courthouse in a limited amount of time,
all the while avoiding David and his band of cops who are trying to kill Mos
because he’s an eyewitness to dirty cop dealings. But 16 Blocks also has
a sweet, underlining message that everyone has the ability to change. This is
hammered into our heads by Mos Def’s dream to stop breaking the law and
wanting to move to Seattle to open up a bakery that specializes in birthday
cakes. This is completely unrealistic because I’m not sure how he’d
be able to fit a chicken or watermelon inside of a birthday cake, but then again,
I never watch the Food Network so it may be possible. Bruce plays the role of
Jack the same way he plays the role in all of his other cop movies, except this
time he has a gimpy leg and a mustache that looks like he’s someone who
downloads teenage porn. David Morse’s characterization of the dirty cop
is about as straight edged as you can get. What bothered me the most was Mos
Def. Normally an actor I enjoy watching perform on screen, he came across as
really annoying with his goofy accent and mannerisms. I’m not sure if
he was trying to play a Southern charmer or a retarded ex-McDonalds employee,
but it really got on my nerves after a while. Hey Mos. Just stay black. You’ll
make it easier on everyone. Especially dumb crackers like myself who won’t
understand half of your lines when you try and be cute with your character.
It may not be his fault though. I heard he thought he was appearing in a slave
movie called 16 Blacks, but learned a valuable lesson after signing the contract
that he shouldn’t take calls from his agent while high on cocaine.
Director Richard Donner, who lost his mind somewhere around Lethal Weapon 3,
actually does a fine job with the paint by numbers script by keeping the action
moving and making sure Bruce stops telling the production assistants about the
time he got naked with Jane March. New York is always a fascinating place for
a movie setting, and the audience gets to see how both big and small of a place
it can be. I really enjoyed all of the side alleys, small business, and basements
used as locations. Then again, those were probably all soundstages, so I may
be giving him too much credit. The score is provided by German Composer Klaus
Badelt who makes sure we all know when the action is being accelerated by cranking
up the bass every ten seconds.
In regards to the action there’s a lot of it although it is nothing memorable.
Bruce shoots at people and they shoot back. The biggest action sequence involves
a standoff in a bus, which drug on longer than a consumer’s thought process
about whether or not to buy Timeline on DVD, only to realize he can have more
fun spending his money on a crack whore. The ‘people can change’
theme really dumbs down what could have been a gritty cop movie like Dark Blue,
and the ending was so predictable and lame it made me want to go back to the
time when Bruce did get naked with Jane March. At least in that movie we got
to see some boobies.
Like Hostage, 16 Blocks will come and go without being a permanent staple in
anyone’s favorite movie list. It’s a below average script with below
average acting and below average action scenes. Then again, people seem to like
below average things. At least the chicks do, otherwise I’d never get
a date.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM BUDDY? Then email me george@latinoreview.com
